Sisters - Emotions and Misunderstandings

I think my sister is nuts.  No really, I do..or at least bipolar or something.  Don't get me wrong, I love her (even if I don't think I really do at certain moments of frustration) and  she has many admirable qualities.  Perhaps I have too many hormones to deal with her day in and day out at the present, who knows.  But I do think she is nuts.  Bonafide.
There have been a couple of instances that this has reared it's ugly head - one time when she was telling me she was going to have the holidays at her house now, and my parents were going to cater to her, because that's just how it is.  I don't do well with ultimatums.  Normally I'm pretty easy going and even keel.  But occasionally something strikes a nerve - and that did.  She said it in reaction to my suggesting that I wasn't to keen on this idea.  I don't understand why if most of the people live in Katy we would have holidays in Houston in a much smaller space than necessary to accommodate people?  After I said this, she got angry - as happens often when I disagree with her, and she went off on how the parents were just going to do what she wanted anyway so I can do whatever I want and they will have holidays without me.  I was upset at this for several reasons.  1. I do not enjoy ultimatums.  2.  The purpose of getting together for holidays is the getting together part, and purposefully excluding someone because they disagree with you is just plain petty.  and 3.  because she is probably right, my parents DO whatever she wants - because the squeaky wheel gets the grease I suppose, not quite sure why.
Another instance, happened a few weeks ago.  I had discovered I was pregnant and was discussing names with her.  I through out the name Nicolas saying I liked it - and she had a cow.  Huge one.  She went on and on about her being offended by this choice of name, but couldn't articulate WHY she was offended.  She tore down my character and told me that I always wished people to bow down to me because I was so sensitive, and wouldn't give someone else the same benefit.  When all I was asking was why or how I was being offensive, so I wouldn't do it again.  I truly didn't want to offend her - but I was lost as to how naming my child a name that millions of other people have is so offensive to her.  A snippet of what was said via IM:
Joelle: bc its what my middle name was named after
me: so?
Joelle: i'm offendedme: okI would think you'd be excitedbecause it would be named after you tooJoelle: if u want to name him after peopletry u or ur husbandme: .I"m not even going thereI liked the nameI was spelling it that was as a nod towards dad and mexican heritageJoelle: i don't want any part of it then. u always tell me when ur offended. i'm telling u when i'm offended..if u want people to respect u when u say your upset, u need to respect what other people sayme: but you aren't telling me why
but ur offending me
and i find it disrespectful
me: I haven't done anything yet!
Joelle: i just think its rude u would think of it
me: why?
it's a name joelle
Joelle: use ur names if u want to continue a tradition
me: plenty of people have it
Joelle: i don't fight u on when u get upset
and find things offensive
i think its very disrespectful
do what u want
but i odn't want any part of it
me: so no baby shower because I thought of the name nicolas?
Joelle: i'm getting very offended
the more u talk
please say sorry
and move on
me: I am not doing anything
Joelle: i say sorry when i offend u
me: I'm sorry I offended you
Joelle: its ur turn to say sorry for offending me
thank u
me: but I don't think I did anything wrong.
Joelle: whats hte point in apologizing then
thats whats wrong with u
me: because
Joelle: u get soo offended very fast
me: I am sorry i offended you
Joelle: and u expect everyone to bow down to you
but then th emoment someone gets offended by you
me: you want to talk about what's wrong with people/
Joelle: ur a saint
me: ?
Joelle: and u don't owe anyone anything
i think u owe me more than tha
me: ok
Joelle: u owe me just to be decent to me
me: what do I owe you?
I am not being indecent
idk what you are talking about
I am not trying to provoke anything
Joelle: and immediately said u did nothing wrong
u might as well not say anything
me: I don't understand what I did wrong
I am asking for you to explain
not picking a fight
Joelle: just so you know
this can go 2 ways
me: you are the one telling me how awful of a person I am
Joelle: no
i'm saying i'm offended
me: yes you really are
Joelle: and u need to apologize and make it right
me: I understand that
I did!
I am asking you to explain what I did
Joelle: u can't apologize then say u don't do anything wrong
me: for several reasons
1. because I don't want to have this stupid discussion again
Joelle: u get offended fast, u want other people to respect that and take u seriously. so u need to do the same thing.
me: 2. because I don't want to offend you regardless of what you think
fine
i have some ideas
me: i did
I'm not doing it again
I have explained myself
I think I owe the same
Joelle: really?
thats how u are?
me: I am owed the same
no
Joelle: just remember this when u get offended
me: that's how you are
Joelle: i'll remind u
i promise

Joelle: do what u need to..
me: I apologized for offending you
Joelle: just say sorry so we can talk about ur baby shower
The last one happened just Saturday.  She is upset and 'annoyed' because she feels as though we didn't have the proper reaction to her having a blow out on the side of the road.  Picture this, it's late at night and everyone in my house is asleep.  My cell phone rings, I answer it and my sister says 'Let me talk to Tim'.  No explanation no nothing.  Just let me talk to your sleeping husband.  My initial reaction is 'He's asleep, Joelle'.  Then she explains that they are on the side of the road and need car help.  So I hand the phone over to Tim after I woke him up.  He then talks to her husband about how they had a blow out, and are missing the tire iron to take off the tire, and then to jack up the car.  Tim's initial reaction is "sure I'll help, I just don't know where you are." He says this several times.  (at least 3).  Keith (my sister's husband) then says he'll call right back. (which doesn't happen).  After this, Tim is more awake.  He starts thinking about everything and decides while he will still go help, he doesn't believe his lug wrench that came with his car will take off their tire.  (by the way - stock Hyundai Elantras, Joelle's car, have a lug hex that is 21mm, Tim's car has a 19mm hex, and mine is 17mm.).  Because my sister hadn't called back, he texted her this information.  To which she responded 'Don't worry about it, my dad is coming to help'.  Which, by the way, makes more sense because my mom has a Hyundai as well.  I knew immediately she was angry.  And today she tells me that it was an eye opening experience as to our character because everyone else jumped up at the chance to help them, but we did not.  I tried to explain to her that we were more than willing to come help, Tim was just trying to let them know that he might not be able to accomplish any more than them.  This she suggested was another excuse to be able to stay in bed.  I'm not going to lie, staying in bed would have been preferable, but Tim was going to help them! He was getting dressed and everything. A snippet again of what she said to me regarding that evening. 

 Joelle:  so i was bit annoyed with you with yoru actions or lack there of on saturday
but i remembered that tim has been very helpful.
even if you weren't very nice.
so its okay
 Sent at 11:26 AM on Tuesday
 Joelle:  i was annoyed that laurel was coming in from clear lake to help me. but you didn't even want to wake tim up. and mom and dad came in a heart beat.
and i feel like i do alot to try to
help you and give yall things. and we were stuck on the side of the road on the highway in the middle of the night
and you would of just left us there
but it is okay
i'll get over it
just need some time

I didn't respond via IM, but mine was just basically trying to explain to her the entire scenario again.  And why we were trying to let her know this prior to us going down there.  /sigh.  I need a vacation.

Confessions

I have several confessions to make, and because I have a blog I can do them here :) (yay for you).

1.  I have not watched ANY of the Olympics

2.  As you may have guessed from my first confession - I do not care much about the Olympics.

3.  I really want a Diet Coke : / - but alas being pregnant means I cannot have one.

4.  I have a love/hate relationship with moving.  I really would love to be in a new place - but so would hate to do what I have to do to get there.  And looks like I'm going to hate it - move out day is August 29th!

5.  I only wear makeup on Sundays - mostly because I'm too lazy to get out of bed early enough to wear it any other day. Sad, yes I know.

6.  I super need to dye my hair - back to being lazy I suppose. :(

7.  If you have some sort of contagious disease/and or illness it is your RESPONSIBILITY to tell someone that you have it and that it is indeed contagious. Ok that wasn't really a confession, but it still ticks me off.

8.  I change the name for the baby everyday.

9.  Work is not always as appealing as I would like it to be - and most of the time I just would rather take a nap - especially here lately : /

10.  I'm out of confessions because now I just want a nap.


:)

A Boy!

Well it's officially another boy :).  Some people are asking if I am disappointed, but I'm not really.  Part of me (prior to the whole ultrasound thing) wanted a girl, but part of me wanted to have the familiar.  A boy will be great! Dylan will have a friend (hopefully), and this girl with only sisters will figure out what it means to be the only woman in a house of 3 guys!

Here's the new bundle :)

We are now looking at names.  I believe we have narrowed it down to 2, but we are still open to others.  We like the names Nicholas & Ian - 2 differing middle names go with them.  My sister about flipped out about the name Nicholas...simply because her middle name is Nicole.  She is nuts sometimes.  Anyhow, any name suggestions?

In A Month

So, in a month a lot of things are happening! I will find out if I'm having a boy or a girl.  (I don't have any girl names...EEK), and Tim finishes school! He's currently working and going to school, so he's gone about 15 hrs a day doing both.  It's awesome, and extra money and benefits are wonderful, but it's hard to not see him but an hour a day.
So...girl names.  I don't know why I can't find one that I absolutely adore? Here are some on the list.  I really like the name Rose - but I think I like it for a middle name.
Clarissa
Corey
Helen
Ella
Erin
Harper
But my husband doesn't like Erin or Harper....Erin because his nephew's name is Aaron, and Harper because he knew someone who's last name was Harper that he didn't like.  And he isn't crazy about Ella because he said it sounds old.
/SIGH. Compromise is hard.

New Scary Beginnings

Dylan is almost 3. He's almost potty trained! And he has almost trained us to let him sleep with us every night - uh we so have to work on that. But he's a cutie.

See? Anyhow, we found out about 2 weeks ago or so that I was pregnant again. Which would be glorious, if Tim had a job and we had maternity insurance, but alas we have neither. I am trying to look on the bright side, but it just looks so scary from here, I don't know what to do. We are going to have a baby (we haven't had our first ultrasound, because of the no insurance thing) with the anticipated due date being December 12, 2012. It sounds so real typing it out. I think I have been trying to bury my head in the sand about it. If I ignore it, maybe i will all work itself out, because I surely don't know how to fix it. Maybe I'm not supposed to know how by myself. I'm trying to not worry about it, I'm trying to be still...it's just so hard. I do believe this pregnancy is God ordained, even if my father is not as sure. Maybe that's another reason I am having such an issue - because I know what my dad is thinking. I am trusting in the plans that He has made for me, for my family, and trying to let go of my fear. :) We will be fine, I'm sure of it.

Hosanna!

I have recently started singing on the praise team at my church again. I haven't done that in years....in actually longer than I care to actually type - because that makes me older than I want to feel. ANYHOW, I started singing on the praise team...because they needed an alto, and hey Jessica, you can sing alto - please come join us...so here I am. I really didn't realize how much I had missed singing, even if it's not singing as much or the way I used to. We have one practice on Thursday evening, and then a quick over view on Sunday morning. Nothing major, and I'm sure the notes aren't exactly right, but it feels right. It feels good, and I love it. I love to see the congregation worship.
On Sunday we sang THIS song. It is an awesome song. I love the lyrics. I really feel a connection in my heart of hearts to what this song is saying.

Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You
We turn to You
Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You
We long for You
‘Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your presence, all our fears are washed away
Washed away

Hosanna Hosanna
You are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna Hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You
We turn to You
In Your kingdom broken lives are renewed
You make us new
‘Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your presence, all our fears are washed away
Washed away

Hosanna Hosanna
You are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna Hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus

‘Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your presence all our fears are washed away
‘Cause when we see You we find strength to face the day
In Your presence, all our fears are washed away
Washed away


Hosanna Hosanna
You are the God who saves us,
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna Hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus

Hosanna Hosanna
You are the God who saves us
Worthy of all our praises
Hosanna Hosanna
Come have Your way among us
We welcome You here Lord Jesus
I love that and I love the feeling it evokes in me and I love that we have something to cleave to...because He left us something to cleave to.

‘Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day
In Your presence, all our fears are washed away
Washed away

Birth of the Rocker Chick

So I got my hair done! I was super excited/semi nervous about the whole thing. I took pictures with me (I was proud of myself for being prepared) and it turned out well I think. I had a lady at church tell me yesterday 'Wow, I have always wanted to do something like that, but it never seems like the right time - so I will let my inner rock chick live vicariously through you!" She also asked me if I had piercings and tattoos...it was an interesting conversation to have on the church lawn, and it was quite shocking to know a lady (probably mid to upper 30s) who is always so impeccably dressed with five million kids feels the want (but not the bravado) to let her inner rocker chick out. By the way, incase you are wondering, I do have tattoos (4) but only one piercing that needed to be administered at the tattoo parlor (tragus) :D. As such, I have dubbed this transformation "Birth of the Rocker Chick". Now I'm going to do pictures! Yay!
This is me on the day I received my hair color/cut with the salon styling straight hair that magically stays that way even if it is humid as all get out.

Above is an overhead view of my color :D
Below is a side angle view of my hair - you can also see the purple in the back and not just the pink!

Here is my whole head - with me doing my hair (not as good as the salon, but I am trying)

And here is a casserole I made last night that was yummy! :D Just to change things up!

One last pic of my whole head with my lovely office backdrop!

I guess I could have smiled - but it is super hard to take a picture of yourself - have you noticed? Anywho, in continuation of my Rocker Chickness I think next on the agenda is a tattoo!
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The Random List

So my friend Jenn wrote this fabulous post about random revealing things about herself...and it was so much fun to read I thought I'd give it a try - by the by, her blog is excellent and I recommend reading it she seems to find a place to connect with you no matter where you are in life :). And so my List begins!

I love Diet Coke, but I feel really weird ordering a Quarter Pounder and a large Diet Coke...I feel the need to explain no I am not on a diet - obviously, I just enjoy Diet Coke!

I love to bake! But I hate to do dishes - and I feel the need to bake in a kitchen that is spotless when I start...so baking is a long process for me.

I love to write - lists or whatever, but only in blue or purple ink. It just looks prettier, and only ball point please!

I enjoy doing 10 key things. It is fun :)

Coloring is one of my all time favorite past times - I love the way crayons smell.

I very much want to sing - and am hurt when my father doesn't want to give me constructive criticism that I can work with.

My house is an absolute disaster area - all the time. This is why it takes me so long to bake.

Whenever I have some one come over to clean the house (I am paying them, mind you) I clean before they get there so I don't appear to be an absolute slob.

My car is in a similar state as my house - and I despise it, but can never seem to find the time to get it cleaned up!

I am obsessed with surveys that tell you your personality type, or pretend to dissect the way you think. I suppose I am obsessed with analyzing myself?

I love the way bible pages sound when they are being flipped. I suppose it doesn't have to be a bible...just the really thin pages.

I can eat a whole jar of Tostitos Spinach Artichoke dip in a few settings by myself. I prefer to eat this than any number of other things.

The Superfluous Hair Post

So I have been thinking about my hair a bit lately. I know it's not as awe inspiring or thought evoking as contemplating the universe or the meaning of life...but that's what I have been doing. I REALLY am craving something new in my life and I think a new hair do will fit the bill just right. Normally I would be about to move somewhere new or start a new job - but I am a homebody now, and so hair is where it's at for me at the moment.
So I don't know how most people go about having a new hair style. For me it's a lot of looking and looking and looking, and then I find like 15 things I like, so I end up going to the hair salon and tell them to do just whatever or try to combine these totally off the wall things that don't go. There are alot of articles out there about face shape and haircuts that best go with whatever shape. I apparently have an oval face. I measured it with a booklet from the fire extinguisher training. In my office. I will wait while you have the mental image of me holding up a white folded booklet in front of my face both length wise and width wise. This took several times of trying, by the way, and I have no idea if anyone was watching - nor do I particularly care. This was all in the name of science and my new do! So I found a hair cut I like. Here it is. What do you think? I am also doing a color. I am contemplating something like THIS. Maybe a color other than purple - although I love the idea of it! So now I am getting excited. I will post pictures after completion :D. And maybe, just maybe I will go into the hair salon with a plan that is actually valid.

Big ideas

So I have a big idea. I haven't exactly nailed down all the details yet, and I have no idea how long it will take to come to fruition. I want to help people. I want to start a charity that will help people that can't get a leg up. I don't want to give them money, I don't want to feed the chaos, I want to help them get off the ground and show them how to walk on their own.
I don't quite understand why I feel like I need to do this - but I do. The idea came to me during my million dollar game adventure with Tim. For those who do not know what this is - well you just aren't imaginative enough :). Just kidding. It's just basically outlining what you would do if you suddenly came into a bunch of money. I like to play it. It feels like a release. I love the land of make believe - it's probably why I love to read. Anyhow, I had this idea and as soon as I have a concrete what I'm going to do and how etc I'll fill everyone in :).
I am excited about it. I have no idea how to do it. But I'm excited :)

Am I Really That Random? Yes I guess I am

I've long held on to the motto that I am random, and it's something that if you do indeed want to be my friend, you will just have to get over. I have been contemplating this lately - because I really don't think I am that random. I know everyone (or most everyone) else thinks so - I have been told it often enough in my life, but I have never felt like the things that come out of my mouth are really that random, I have just never really taken the time to explain my jump from point A to B. Often times it has a very logical line.
I will admit that my thought processes are quirky and perhaps something that reminds me of something will not ring the same reminder in someone else's mind. :)
Anyhow, as I have been contemplating all my randomness (I'm good at contemplating - maybe not at finding solutions, but contemplating yes :)I decided that it doesn't matter if other people have a hard time following my pattern of speaking or consider it random...I don't have a problem with it.
I guess I am going to demonstrate some of my characterized randomness from others now as I move to a widely different subject.
My husband's sister went off on me on facebook. On FACEBOOK. While I do not have a problem with people telling me where they ate or their opinions on things on the social network, I feel that telling people off in public that can be archived and read later is outside the scope of the site's purpose, and overall just out of line. She is angry with me for not communicating with her enough and for sending pics to other people and not her. Pretty much that's the long and short of it, or at least what I gathered from the spew that was coming from her keyboard. She called me names, she defamed my character, she was rude. I tried my best to be nice, and understanding etc even though all I really wanted to do was reach through my computer screen and slap her! I don't need this drama, I don't need that drama. Whatever drama you have, I'm not in the market to buy.

How - Letting Go

So my previous post helped me a lot more than I thought it would. It helped for me to verbalize what I was internalizing for weeks. It leads me to wonder what other things I have been hanging on to and how if I just said it outloud (or via the blogging hemisphere) perhaps I would feel freed.
I have long struggled with the casting your burdens down for God to carry. Perhaps it's because it's such a physical image, and obviously I can not physically take off the burden of money from my back and hand it over. I have struggled with it because I quite frankly didn't know how.
People often give you these flowery blurbs 'Let go and let God' etc, but does anyone actually sit down and tell you HOW. How do I let go? How do I cast all my cares upon Him?
Anyhow, all this to say somehow the physical transference of thoughts to a page helps me do just this. Lay it down, cast it away, let go. I need the physical to do the mental/heart transfer. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I'm imagining not.
A few years ago I figured out I needed this physical transfer. I like lists, what can I say? So I started writing letters to God. It helped me so much to just say - here you go, I have written about it now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I still struggle with the 'letting go and letting God' but writing has become such a wonderful outlet for me. I know I don't write here as much as I should. But even typing out some lines on here makes me feel a little lighter. :)

Exodus 14:14 - this has become my mantra. It will be until I can completely let it take over my world. :)

Dreaded

I have been delaying this post for several reasons. I am dreading what it will make me look like, and I am dreading people's reaction to it. Part of me wants to protect myself and save myself the vulnerable feeling that will inevitably follow me posting this publicly, but I have been putting it off long enough. I have thought about posting other things, but I think until I post this, I will be unable to move on in my semi-regular blogging adventure. I sound kinda melodramatic...and for this I apologize, I suppose I'm just trying to postpone as long as possible!

This is Kaylie Joy Pistole. She was born November, 10 2011 at 9:54pm weighing 5lbs 14oz and being 17.25 inches long and died on January 9, 2012. She was about 6 wks premature, and had to stay in the hospital for a week before she could be brought home. She was loved, and her loss is felt trememndously. She is survived by her 3 older siblings, Katlyn, Faith & Hope. Her passing has unleashed a whirlwind of emotion and much more tangible loss and chaos.

Her mom was/is (not sure how to define this, because it's just been a rough walk for us both) my best friend. I was deeply saddened by the loss of Kaylie's short life, and the emotions that would wreak havock on my friend, no matter how tumultuous our relationship. I feel guilty for not being able to be a more real part of this grieving process because I am located 3 hrs away. I feel guilty because I have only seen her once since Kaylie's passing, and did not attend the funeral/memorial/wake. And I feel guilty because I feel like Kaylie's passing is my friend's fault.

Let me back up, I do not think she's a bad mother, nor do I believe that she did anything malicious to harm her baby. I simply think she should have known better. She should have known better than to put an 8wk old baby to sleep on her stomach. She should have known better than to put a pillow in the baby's bassinet. It's an incredibly sad state of events, and I am so sorry it happened at all, and I am feeling incredibly guilty about my opinions/beliefs about the whole situation.

I feel like I cannot call my friend and talk to her without having awkward silences when she brings up anything to do with the baby's death. I don't want to tell her, and I don't think I SHOULD tell her my thoughts/opinions. What I really want is for that thought/opinion to go away. I want to convey that it's not her fault - but I can't bring myself to do it. All I can do is love her anyway at this point.

"Some moments last a lifetime, but sometimes moments are a lifetime."