So my previous post helped me a lot more than I thought it would. It helped for me to verbalize what I was internalizing for weeks. It leads me to wonder what other things I have been hanging on to and how if I just said it outloud (or via the blogging hemisphere) perhaps I would feel freed.
I have long struggled with the casting your burdens down for God to carry. Perhaps it's because it's such a physical image, and obviously I can not physically take off the burden of money from my back and hand it over. I have struggled with it because I quite frankly didn't know how.
People often give you these flowery blurbs 'Let go and let God' etc, but does anyone actually sit down and tell you HOW. How do I let go? How do I cast all my cares upon Him?
Anyhow, all this to say somehow the physical transference of thoughts to a page helps me do just this. Lay it down, cast it away, let go. I need the physical to do the mental/heart transfer. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I'm imagining not.
A few years ago I figured out I needed this physical transfer. I like lists, what can I say? So I started writing letters to God. It helped me so much to just say - here you go, I have written about it now I don't have to worry about it anymore. I still struggle with the 'letting go and letting God' but writing has become such a wonderful outlet for me. I know I don't write here as much as I should. But even typing out some lines on here makes me feel a little lighter. :)
Exodus 14:14 - this has become my mantra. It will be until I can completely let it take over my world. :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Dreaded
I have been delaying this post for several reasons. I am dreading what it will make me look like, and I am dreading people's reaction to it. Part of me wants to protect myself and save myself the vulnerable feeling that will inevitably follow me posting this publicly, but I have been putting it off long enough. I have thought about posting other things, but I think until I post this, I will be unable to move on in my semi-regular blogging adventure. I sound kinda melodramatic...and for this I apologize, I suppose I'm just trying to postpone as long as possible!
This is Kaylie Joy Pistole. She was born November, 10 2011 at 9:54pm weighing 5lbs 14oz and being 17.25 inches long and died on January 9, 2012. She was about 6 wks premature, and had to stay in the hospital for a week before she could be brought home. She was loved, and her loss is felt trememndously. She is survived by her 3 older siblings, Katlyn, Faith & Hope. Her passing has unleashed a whirlwind of emotion and much more tangible loss and chaos.
Her mom was/is (not sure how to define this, because it's just been a rough walk for us both) my best friend. I was deeply saddened by the loss of Kaylie's short life, and the emotions that would wreak havock on my friend, no matter how tumultuous our relationship. I feel guilty for not being able to be a more real part of this grieving process because I am located 3 hrs away. I feel guilty because I have only seen her once since Kaylie's passing, and did not attend the funeral/memorial/wake. And I feel guilty because I feel like Kaylie's passing is my friend's fault.
Let me back up, I do not think she's a bad mother, nor do I believe that she did anything malicious to harm her baby. I simply think she should have known better. She should have known better than to put an 8wk old baby to sleep on her stomach. She should have known better than to put a pillow in the baby's bassinet. It's an incredibly sad state of events, and I am so sorry it happened at all, and I am feeling incredibly guilty about my opinions/beliefs about the whole situation.
I feel like I cannot call my friend and talk to her without having awkward silences when she brings up anything to do with the baby's death. I don't want to tell her, and I don't think I SHOULD tell her my thoughts/opinions. What I really want is for that thought/opinion to go away. I want to convey that it's not her fault - but I can't bring myself to do it. All I can do is love her anyway at this point.
"Some moments last a lifetime, but sometimes moments are a lifetime."
This is Kaylie Joy Pistole. She was born November, 10 2011 at 9:54pm weighing 5lbs 14oz and being 17.25 inches long and died on January 9, 2012. She was about 6 wks premature, and had to stay in the hospital for a week before she could be brought home. She was loved, and her loss is felt trememndously. She is survived by her 3 older siblings, Katlyn, Faith & Hope. Her passing has unleashed a whirlwind of emotion and much more tangible loss and chaos.
Her mom was/is (not sure how to define this, because it's just been a rough walk for us both) my best friend. I was deeply saddened by the loss of Kaylie's short life, and the emotions that would wreak havock on my friend, no matter how tumultuous our relationship. I feel guilty for not being able to be a more real part of this grieving process because I am located 3 hrs away. I feel guilty because I have only seen her once since Kaylie's passing, and did not attend the funeral/memorial/wake. And I feel guilty because I feel like Kaylie's passing is my friend's fault.
Let me back up, I do not think she's a bad mother, nor do I believe that she did anything malicious to harm her baby. I simply think she should have known better. She should have known better than to put an 8wk old baby to sleep on her stomach. She should have known better than to put a pillow in the baby's bassinet. It's an incredibly sad state of events, and I am so sorry it happened at all, and I am feeling incredibly guilty about my opinions/beliefs about the whole situation.
I feel like I cannot call my friend and talk to her without having awkward silences when she brings up anything to do with the baby's death. I don't want to tell her, and I don't think I SHOULD tell her my thoughts/opinions. What I really want is for that thought/opinion to go away. I want to convey that it's not her fault - but I can't bring myself to do it. All I can do is love her anyway at this point.
"Some moments last a lifetime, but sometimes moments are a lifetime."
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