Thursday, July 24, 2008
FOURTH OF JULY and other Randomness
So, again I fail at the blogging maintenance /sigh at me. Well at least I didn't go forever this time without blogging :). Bright side ppl, work with me here! Anyhow, here's just a brief whatever to show you some fabulous fourth of July photos, mostly because I <3 the fireworks :), yes I'm like a kid like that, thanks for noticing!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Sleepy
Sleep is something I either seem to get way too much of or way too little of. I stay up for days at a time or sleep for hours andhours and hours...Why can't I get the daily allotted amount of sleep you ask? My conclusion is because I'm retarded :). I seem to think that by going to bed early I will miss something extemely important in the world...but I have no problem stayin up all night then sleeping the day away. Looking at this realistically I have decided that I'm dumb...and there's no good reason to stay up all night just to sleep all day. But that's not the way I feel when I actually am up at 3am. I'm thinking, I'm having fun, I should just stay up, etc...I think I'd like it best if I never had to sleep...Random rants from a person who hasn't been to sleep in a while :). I didn't want to be neglectful, and since all I can possibly think about at the moment is sleeping I thought I would have an entire blog dedicated to the subject.
The bright side to staying up all night is that I have no problem getting to work on time or getting dressed like a semi-adult...:) The negatives, of course, are that I'm sleepy...DUH. Anyhow, perhaps one day I'll figure out why I'm retarded or realize that I'm not actually missing anything and I need to get some rest...I hope that day comes soon!
The bright side to staying up all night is that I have no problem getting to work on time or getting dressed like a semi-adult...:) The negatives, of course, are that I'm sleepy...DUH. Anyhow, perhaps one day I'll figure out why I'm retarded or realize that I'm not actually missing anything and I need to get some rest...I hope that day comes soon!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Whirlwind...
So, it's been a while...I've been very neglectful to my blog and my blogging audience of 1 (sorry Jenn). It's been a whirlwind couple of months...I'll give you an overview:
I've had an upper respiratory infection then an ear ache. After which I went to New York..AND IT WAS PHENOMINAL! Then I had another ear ache (ear aches really do suck big booty btw. I've had lots of time to be extremely lazy and screw up my internal clock even more (go me). I've been to Louisiana and ate crawfish and had some alcohol! (wooooohooo for LA!), did a mini job in Oklahoma (the first one completely on by myself!). I've gotten a miniature pinscher and named her Abby...who has become a royal pain in my ass. I have just started a 'training' job with a landman company just outside of Fort Worth and I'm learning the ins and outs of mineral title from patent which is sometimes really interesting and a lot of times really slow :) I like knowing it already!
:) YAY! I am excited I am back to blogging now...full force! I'll try not to let u down again! Here are some random pictures :).
I've had an upper respiratory infection then an ear ache. After which I went to New York..AND IT WAS PHENOMINAL! Then I had another ear ache (ear aches really do suck big booty btw. I've had lots of time to be extremely lazy and screw up my internal clock even more (go me). I've been to Louisiana and ate crawfish and had some alcohol! (wooooohooo for LA!), did a mini job in Oklahoma (the first one completely on by myself!). I've gotten a miniature pinscher and named her Abby...who has become a royal pain in my ass. I have just started a 'training' job with a landman company just outside of Fort Worth and I'm learning the ins and outs of mineral title from patent which is sometimes really interesting and a lot of times really slow :) I like knowing it already!
:) YAY! I am excited I am back to blogging now...full force! I'll try not to let u down again! Here are some random pictures :).
Monday, February 11, 2008
Me
I've long done stupid surveys and taken tests that are supposed to reflect my personality and divulge who I am to me. I find these things amusing for the most part, and sometimes enlightening and eerily correct. I have long coasted on my brain and my thought processes. I have escaped answers by giving an overview without divulging the true answer that lies within me sometimes because I don't want to answer the question but more often than not to see if anyone else notices the lack of substance I've provided them with. Sadly, most people don't realize this. I am not trying to sound concieted, because I really don't think I know everything, but I tend to watch and assess more than most people. I'm an observer by nature and can usually read people really well. This is both a gift and a curse.
Sometimes I feel it's a curse because I feel as though no one truly knows me. I could expound on the lonliness with melodramatic flair, but it's not really lonliness...it's more of aloneness. Don't get me wrong, I believe this is entirely my fault. But being alone with your thoughts and the incessance of them can be a bit overwhelming, especially for me. I think too much. Very simply put...but sometimes simplicity is the best way to explain things. My thoughts run ceaslessly one overlapping the next, and I just jump from one to the next often appearing very random to those on the outside of my brain. :) But random works for me, so I'm ok with it. So even in the curse, though filled with longing at times for someone to know me in my entirety, I am ok and wouldn't change the way I am for anything.
On the flip side thinking too much has lots of advantages. My ability to think about ideas that would never be approved by normal society and the what ifs and what could bes that lie in everything is truly entertaining. I enjoy being able to think about things that most people would consider inappropriate simply because I can. I also enjoy thinking about situations from every possible angle...it appeals to my nature to want to think thoroughly through every situation.
Thinking back on some of these tests I have taken, I'll leave you with one of my results...
You Are a Seeker Soul 
You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.
Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.
Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.
And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.
You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Sometimes I feel it's a curse because I feel as though no one truly knows me. I could expound on the lonliness with melodramatic flair, but it's not really lonliness...it's more of aloneness. Don't get me wrong, I believe this is entirely my fault. But being alone with your thoughts and the incessance of them can be a bit overwhelming, especially for me. I think too much. Very simply put...but sometimes simplicity is the best way to explain things. My thoughts run ceaslessly one overlapping the next, and I just jump from one to the next often appearing very random to those on the outside of my brain. :) But random works for me, so I'm ok with it. So even in the curse, though filled with longing at times for someone to know me in my entirety, I am ok and wouldn't change the way I am for anything.
On the flip side thinking too much has lots of advantages. My ability to think about ideas that would never be approved by normal society and the what ifs and what could bes that lie in everything is truly entertaining. I enjoy being able to think about things that most people would consider inappropriate simply because I can. I also enjoy thinking about situations from every possible angle...it appeals to my nature to want to think thoroughly through every situation.
Thinking back on some of these tests I have taken, I'll leave you with one of my results...
You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.
Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.
Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.
And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.
You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
New York or Bust!
Ok, I'm brimming with excitement this morning...which is unusual because it's MORNING. But I believe I have cause to be brimming, not that I ever need cause to be excited...and infact I generally have no specific reason, I just am.........anyhow, to the point. My mother and I have been trying to have a vacation with just the two of us for several years now, but do to many circumstances outside our control. My father was put in the hospital on our last big planned outing in which we planned to vacation in Europe for a couple of weeks. And ever since then things just haven't quite fallen into place to make it happen...until now.
I recently decided that regardless of what I seem to have planned or where I am in my life, spending time with my mother in this way is important to me and it's important to her, so I bit the bullet and planned a vacation. All this to say, I truly want to go on vacation with her, it's just sometimes hard for me to commit to that much money coming out of my pocket.
Now to the fun part..telling you about my vacation! We got together and decided a trip to New York was the way to go. I've always wanted to go as has she, and it's an experience we'd like to share with each other. We have no real set plans for what we're going to do beyond the Broadway show tickets I had to preorder and the hotel and plane reservations I made. So here's what we got so far: going to stay in a hotel just off Time Square, near the hubbub of New York City life according to the information blurb about the hotel, and we're going to see Hairspray and Wicked on Broadway.
I must admit, the Broadway shows are what I'm truly excited about! Not that New York in and of itself is not exciting for me, but musicals have always been something magical for me. All the music, and dancing, and singing combined with colorful sets always give me a sense of wonder and I get lost in it all. Besides the shows, we are just going to be big tourists and do all the things that make us look like we're not from New York. I can hardly wait!
I recently decided that regardless of what I seem to have planned or where I am in my life, spending time with my mother in this way is important to me and it's important to her, so I bit the bullet and planned a vacation. All this to say, I truly want to go on vacation with her, it's just sometimes hard for me to commit to that much money coming out of my pocket.
Now to the fun part..telling you about my vacation! We got together and decided a trip to New York was the way to go. I've always wanted to go as has she, and it's an experience we'd like to share with each other. We have no real set plans for what we're going to do beyond the Broadway show tickets I had to preorder and the hotel and plane reservations I made. So here's what we got so far: going to stay in a hotel just off Time Square, near the hubbub of New York City life according to the information blurb about the hotel, and we're going to see Hairspray and Wicked on Broadway.
I must admit, the Broadway shows are what I'm truly excited about! Not that New York in and of itself is not exciting for me, but musicals have always been something magical for me. All the music, and dancing, and singing combined with colorful sets always give me a sense of wonder and I get lost in it all. Besides the shows, we are just going to be big tourists and do all the things that make us look like we're not from New York. I can hardly wait!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Picture Surveys are fun!
Go to photobucket, type in the answer to your question and select & copy the HTML code...then paste it in the answer field!
FAVORITE MOVIE (pick one if you have many)
My favorite Movie
FAVORITE BAND (pick one if you have many):
FAVORITE TV SHOW (pick one if you have many):
FAVORITE ACTOR (pick one if you have many):
Not exactly sure why he's my fav, but he is!
FAVORITE ACTRESS (pick one if you have many):
BIGGEST FEAR:
HIGH SCHOOL MASCOT:
CAR YOU DRIVE:
Except not this color...:) one of many cars actually
PET YOU CURRENTLY HAVE:
2 brown ones like this...and a silver one :) Bengal kitties
FAVORITE NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
YOUR ZODIAC SIGN:
YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH:
MOST MEMORABLE VACATION:
FAVORITE SPORT:
FAVORITE TEAM:
FAVORITE HOLIDAY:
FAVORITE MOVIE (pick one if you have many)
My favorite Movie
FAVORITE BAND (pick one if you have many):
FAVORITE TV SHOW (pick one if you have many):
FAVORITE ACTOR (pick one if you have many):
Not exactly sure why he's my fav, but he is!
FAVORITE ACTRESS (pick one if you have many):
BIGGEST FEAR:
HIGH SCHOOL MASCOT:
CAR YOU DRIVE:
Except not this color...:) one of many cars actually
PET YOU CURRENTLY HAVE:
2 brown ones like this...and a silver one :) Bengal kitties
FAVORITE NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
YOUR ZODIAC SIGN:
YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH:
MOST MEMORABLE VACATION:
FAVORITE SPORT:
FAVORITE TEAM:
FAVORITE HOLIDAY:
Friday, January 25, 2008
I Am Not Nice Enough to Be...
Today I discovered things about myself. Exciting, huh? I love learning new things. Anyhow, from the beginning…I was thinking about me, and who I am and my personality in relation to jobs etc and which I'd clearly lack the 'niceness' quality to be. By niceness quality, I'm talking about the one that is comforting to all, regardless of your actions and how stupid whatever you just did was, and truly finding the strength to want to help this person without beating sense into them.
For example, nursing is a profession beyond what I could ever undertake. For one, I can't do blood or insert needles into someone, I think I would throw up...or pass-out or both, which is probably a prereq to being in the field. You cannot throw up or pass out on patients probably ranks right up there with washing your hands before you touch them or something. But the other quality I think I'm lacking is my inability to not want to hit someone who lets say ran with scissors and got them stuck in his nose. Or pushed popcorn kernels in his ears...these things would be a trifle annoying to me. Kids are understandably going to stick stuff places, but adults should definitely know better. I would probably laugh at the first adult that came in with something like that wrong with them On the flipside to that coin, I also think I would bring too much emotion to the table for a family that was going through something hard…crying with them, trying to comfort them, getting too close. In short, nursing is not for me.
Come to think of it, I don’t think I could do any of the medical professions well…see above for reasons. Even psychiatry would be difficult for me, while the blood issue would be moot, I would still have problems with people wallowing and their inability to move on after a certain period of time. After a while, I’m afraid, I would tell them to just do something already and stop being stupid. This is probably not the best thing to tell someone who is seeing a psychiatrist. Then there would also be the cases where I would get too close, and feel too much taking on their problems as my own. That would be exhausting.
My issue that would fluctuate between wanting people to stop being stupid, and wanting to help so much their problems became my own keeps me out of the professions that require the ‘niceness’ quality. Instead, I will doodlebug having to deal with issues beyond what is personal in nature is much easier for me to distance myself from. While people are stupid everywhere, and I’m including myself in that category, it’s always easier for me to take the easy way out of dealing with them personally. This is because I’m not tolerant enough, and also because I am too empathetic….weird combo, I know.
For example, nursing is a profession beyond what I could ever undertake. For one, I can't do blood or insert needles into someone, I think I would throw up...or pass-out or both, which is probably a prereq to being in the field. You cannot throw up or pass out on patients probably ranks right up there with washing your hands before you touch them or something. But the other quality I think I'm lacking is my inability to not want to hit someone who lets say ran with scissors and got them stuck in his nose. Or pushed popcorn kernels in his ears...these things would be a trifle annoying to me. Kids are understandably going to stick stuff places, but adults should definitely know better. I would probably laugh at the first adult that came in with something like that wrong with them On the flipside to that coin, I also think I would bring too much emotion to the table for a family that was going through something hard…crying with them, trying to comfort them, getting too close. In short, nursing is not for me.
Come to think of it, I don’t think I could do any of the medical professions well…see above for reasons. Even psychiatry would be difficult for me, while the blood issue would be moot, I would still have problems with people wallowing and their inability to move on after a certain period of time. After a while, I’m afraid, I would tell them to just do something already and stop being stupid. This is probably not the best thing to tell someone who is seeing a psychiatrist. Then there would also be the cases where I would get too close, and feel too much taking on their problems as my own. That would be exhausting.
My issue that would fluctuate between wanting people to stop being stupid, and wanting to help so much their problems became my own keeps me out of the professions that require the ‘niceness’ quality. Instead, I will doodlebug having to deal with issues beyond what is personal in nature is much easier for me to distance myself from. While people are stupid everywhere, and I’m including myself in that category, it’s always easier for me to take the easy way out of dealing with them personally. This is because I’m not tolerant enough, and also because I am too empathetic….weird combo, I know.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Fun Picture Survey!
1) Answer the questions below
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take a picture from the first page of results copy the html code.
4) You cant copy the persons answers who posted this before you
1.age on next birthday?..
2. place you would like to travel?
New York :)
3. Your favorite place?
home
4. Your Favorite object?
can't go anywhere without it
5. your favorite food?
spaghetti! yum!
6. Favorite Animal?
love turtles, so cute
7. Favorite Color?
8. The town where you were born?
9. The town where you live in?
10. Pet(s) name(s)?
11. Your nickname?
Jess...but this is the only one i found that wasn't of some random person..
12. Middle Name?
13. Last name?
Rosas :)
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take a picture from the first page of results copy the html code.
4) You cant copy the persons answers who posted this before you
1.age on next birthday?..
2. place you would like to travel?
New York :)
3. Your favorite place?
home4. Your Favorite object?
can't go anywhere without it
5. your favorite food?
spaghetti! yum!6. Favorite Animal?
love turtles, so cute7. Favorite Color?
8. The town where you were born?
9. The town where you live in?
10. Pet(s) name(s)?
11. Your nickname?
Jess...but this is the only one i found that wasn't of some random person..
12. Middle Name?
13. Last name?
Rosas :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Natal Chart
I've always found studying my personality, and people's impressions of my personality fascinating. It's always appealed to me to take the stupid tests that come on the internet to see if I'm more like a certain movie star, or classified as a certain kind of car. I simply love delving into how others perceive me and how similar or different it is to the way I perceive myself. I look at astrology in much the same way and find it truly interesting to find out what someone decided the stars said about me...and my personality...so here you go, my natal chart :).
Seesaw
You have the planetary pattern called the 'seesaw' type. With your planets divided into two distinct groups, you are very balanced in your outlook, always being aware of both sides of an issue, always able to compromise between opposing points of view. In this way you are quite similar to a Libra personality.
Yod, focal planet Sun
You have a Yod planetary aspect pattern in your chart, also known as the 'finger of God'. This pattern consists of two different planets forming Inconjunct aspects of 150` to a third, or focal, point. Usually there will be a marked emphasis on the area of life represented by this focal point, which may be one planet, or two or more in conjunction. You may have physical or psychological problems associated with the expression of the energies of the focal planet or planets, creating a subtle form of tension in your life. Your lesson is to transform the expression of these energies along more positive lines.
The Sun represents your will and purpose, your sense of vitality and your evolving higher Self. In the sign Taurus it is Fixed-Earth, and rules the throat. Your ruling planet is Venus. Taureans revel in the pleasures of life. You crave the security and comfort of relaxing in the warmth of your home environment. You value the senses and the enjoyment of material things. You are likely to work hard to make your home an attractive one. You also have the makings of a healer and you have a large capacity for kindness. Although you are quiet on the surface, almost passive, you possess a powerful will and can be quite stubborn at times, and perhaps somewhat rigid in your thinking. You also tend to be loving, obedient and loyal. Material rewards seem to come easily to you, and you are able to lead the good life without being excessively concerned about it. You are practical, and provide a purposeful, productive and stabilizing influence for yourself and those around you.
The Sun in the Seventh House represents a concentration of the vital force to relate with others in partnership. You gravitate towards others, who serve to reflect your deeper self back to you. You prefer working together with another person, rather than strictly on your own. You enjoy developing the exchange of interpersonal expression and joint efforts. You have an intuitive sense of what partnership requires, and strive to become more aware of the inner needs of two people relating with one another on a committed basis. You are very aware of the other as a mirror for your own selfhood. You sense yourself as part of a unit rather than merely an isolated ego. You may keenly feel the need for an intimate partner to flesh out your unconscious areas of self, and you may alternate between losing your sense of self from within relationship to finding your sense of identity and power in that way. You benefit from recognizing that everything you seek in another is really an important part of yourself, and that being involved with others on an interpersonal level is a means of exploring your own basic nature.
Important Features
Venus in Taurus (6° Tau 47') Venus in the Seventh House
Venus in Taurus gives an earthy and practical love nature, very ardent and nurturing. This is a powerful placement of Venus, and your emotions are strong and long-lasting. You are very loyal, and also apt to be a trifle possessive. You know what you want to get out of life, and can be quite stubborn about it. You are also very sensual, social and easy to get along with. Living in the material world comes naturally to you. You have good luck with finances, and would excel in professions such as lawyer, real estate broker, or loan officer. Gardening and personal or home décor are likely hobbies. You like living the good life, and you will always have an abiding sense of enjoyment from music and the arts.
Venus in the Seventh House represents a strongly felt connection to partnerships with others. Relationships are important to you. You are also inclined to be "young at heart". You feel at your best when acting in concert with another person, especially an intimate partner. Then your natural gifts of grace, diplomacy and charm come to the fore. What is nice on your own becomes really nice with another. You have a gentle personality, very considerate and kind. You also have refined aesthetic and artistic sensibilities, and a keen sense of color. You have the potential to excel in many professions, including legal work and diplomacy. You tend to idealize your chosen love partner, and you benefit from the realization that the true source of grace and beauty in your life comes from within your own nature.
Pluto in Libra (22° Lib 41'R) Pluto in the First House
Pluto in the First House (or sign) gives you a tremendous drive to transform yourself as you go through life. You have a powerful personality, and a charismatic way about you that others respect. You may actually appear to be timid or unsure of yourself on the surface, but you have the potential to suddenly burst out in anger due to repressed emotions finally exploding. You are also apt to sweep all aspects of your former life before you in a sudden change that it seems simply must come. You may feel insecure or afraid or perhaps jealous of others at times, and may compensate by being extremely forceful. You can also be compulsive, even obsessive, in achieving your will. You have the power to really get things done, and this power can be used either to bolster your own ego or else for the good of all concerned. Your challenge is movement away from feelings of insecurity and resulting separateness and loneliness, toward an acceptance of your own and other's needs and opinions in order to generate a new and better sense of self. In your most positive manifestation, you possess a dedication to higher ideals and a willingness to be a channel for healing yourself and society.
The following applies to your generation as a whole as well as to you personally:
Pluto in Libra (or the seventh house) gives you a focus on forming close emotional attachments. You may have difficulties in marriage and partnerships; but there are also great rewards to be gained in this area. You may feel a compulsion to be liked by others. Conversely, you can also become involved in power struggles with partners. You have a depth of passion within you that isn't obvious or recognized, and you may seek to project this power drive onto a relationship partner, rather than directly own up to it. You may therefore find yourself in relationship with dark or manipulative personality types, who may exhibit openly the tendencies you have yourself at a more hidden level. You are likely to go through many changes in your relationship dynamic, as you come to understand more fully your inner process. You may exhibit strong attractions toward close involvement with another person, and simultaneously have fears regarding such attachments. Time and moving through the fires of difficulties may lead you to a painful re-examination of your goals in these areas. Wisdom is required in the handling of close relationships in order to transform the partnership energy into a growing and conscious act of sharing, and to find your own inner strength independent of others around you.
Moon in Sagittarius (12° Sag 38' 20") Moon in the Second House
The moon in Sagittarius gives an uninhibited, freedom-loving personality which may incline to the restless. You are very idealistic, and see the best side of everyone. You are happy and fun to be around. You are also apt to be impatient. You tend to react to situations with action rather than with reflection. You can also be unrealistic in your approach to situations. You should learn to temper your idealism with reality in setting out to achieve your high aspirations.
The Moon in the Second House represents being emotionally connected with one's values, with one's possessions, or the material things in this world. You may feel that your self-worth is connected with the physical manifestation of material wealth or material comfort. Your values are very important to you. You may feel compelled toward gaining material wealth or possessions when your emotional life is unfulfilling. You can also be quite generous. Your finances may fluctuate throughout your lifetime as you move through various emotional growth phases. When you follow your gut feelings you are likely to be successful financially. You excel in occupations which deal with meeting the wants and needs of other people. You feel most comfortable and secure when your values and emotions are clearly defined and you can act upon them.
Neptune in Sagittarius (24° Sag 40'R) Neptune in the Third House Neptune in the Third House (or sign) gives a clever personality with subtle charm. You are witty and poetic. You are fond of higher education, but you tend to be a dreamer and may miss out on serious study because of it. You see the world through the mystical third eye, rather than the usual binocular setup that allows most people to get along. Because of your extraordinary visionary viewpoint you may see more than others and also miss out on some of the mundane details. You may suffer some confusion regarding communication received, or perhaps where close relatives are concerned, or have feelings of insecurity stemming from your early years, that carries over into adult life. You can be indecisive and worrisome but you are also broad-minded and mentally creative. It benefits you to learn to focus your considerable creative potential, and to let yourself become a channel for higher forms of thought to flow into your own life, and through you into the world around you.
Seesaw
You have the planetary pattern called the 'seesaw' type. With your planets divided into two distinct groups, you are very balanced in your outlook, always being aware of both sides of an issue, always able to compromise between opposing points of view. In this way you are quite similar to a Libra personality.
Yod, focal planet Sun
You have a Yod planetary aspect pattern in your chart, also known as the 'finger of God'. This pattern consists of two different planets forming Inconjunct aspects of 150` to a third, or focal, point. Usually there will be a marked emphasis on the area of life represented by this focal point, which may be one planet, or two or more in conjunction. You may have physical or psychological problems associated with the expression of the energies of the focal planet or planets, creating a subtle form of tension in your life. Your lesson is to transform the expression of these energies along more positive lines.
The Sun represents your will and purpose, your sense of vitality and your evolving higher Self. In the sign Taurus it is Fixed-Earth, and rules the throat. Your ruling planet is Venus. Taureans revel in the pleasures of life. You crave the security and comfort of relaxing in the warmth of your home environment. You value the senses and the enjoyment of material things. You are likely to work hard to make your home an attractive one. You also have the makings of a healer and you have a large capacity for kindness. Although you are quiet on the surface, almost passive, you possess a powerful will and can be quite stubborn at times, and perhaps somewhat rigid in your thinking. You also tend to be loving, obedient and loyal. Material rewards seem to come easily to you, and you are able to lead the good life without being excessively concerned about it. You are practical, and provide a purposeful, productive and stabilizing influence for yourself and those around you.
The Sun in the Seventh House represents a concentration of the vital force to relate with others in partnership. You gravitate towards others, who serve to reflect your deeper self back to you. You prefer working together with another person, rather than strictly on your own. You enjoy developing the exchange of interpersonal expression and joint efforts. You have an intuitive sense of what partnership requires, and strive to become more aware of the inner needs of two people relating with one another on a committed basis. You are very aware of the other as a mirror for your own selfhood. You sense yourself as part of a unit rather than merely an isolated ego. You may keenly feel the need for an intimate partner to flesh out your unconscious areas of self, and you may alternate between losing your sense of self from within relationship to finding your sense of identity and power in that way. You benefit from recognizing that everything you seek in another is really an important part of yourself, and that being involved with others on an interpersonal level is a means of exploring your own basic nature.
Important Features
Venus in Taurus (6° Tau 47') Venus in the Seventh House
Venus in Taurus gives an earthy and practical love nature, very ardent and nurturing. This is a powerful placement of Venus, and your emotions are strong and long-lasting. You are very loyal, and also apt to be a trifle possessive. You know what you want to get out of life, and can be quite stubborn about it. You are also very sensual, social and easy to get along with. Living in the material world comes naturally to you. You have good luck with finances, and would excel in professions such as lawyer, real estate broker, or loan officer. Gardening and personal or home décor are likely hobbies. You like living the good life, and you will always have an abiding sense of enjoyment from music and the arts.
Venus in the Seventh House represents a strongly felt connection to partnerships with others. Relationships are important to you. You are also inclined to be "young at heart". You feel at your best when acting in concert with another person, especially an intimate partner. Then your natural gifts of grace, diplomacy and charm come to the fore. What is nice on your own becomes really nice with another. You have a gentle personality, very considerate and kind. You also have refined aesthetic and artistic sensibilities, and a keen sense of color. You have the potential to excel in many professions, including legal work and diplomacy. You tend to idealize your chosen love partner, and you benefit from the realization that the true source of grace and beauty in your life comes from within your own nature.
Pluto in Libra (22° Lib 41'R) Pluto in the First House
Pluto in the First House (or sign) gives you a tremendous drive to transform yourself as you go through life. You have a powerful personality, and a charismatic way about you that others respect. You may actually appear to be timid or unsure of yourself on the surface, but you have the potential to suddenly burst out in anger due to repressed emotions finally exploding. You are also apt to sweep all aspects of your former life before you in a sudden change that it seems simply must come. You may feel insecure or afraid or perhaps jealous of others at times, and may compensate by being extremely forceful. You can also be compulsive, even obsessive, in achieving your will. You have the power to really get things done, and this power can be used either to bolster your own ego or else for the good of all concerned. Your challenge is movement away from feelings of insecurity and resulting separateness and loneliness, toward an acceptance of your own and other's needs and opinions in order to generate a new and better sense of self. In your most positive manifestation, you possess a dedication to higher ideals and a willingness to be a channel for healing yourself and society.
The following applies to your generation as a whole as well as to you personally:
Pluto in Libra (or the seventh house) gives you a focus on forming close emotional attachments. You may have difficulties in marriage and partnerships; but there are also great rewards to be gained in this area. You may feel a compulsion to be liked by others. Conversely, you can also become involved in power struggles with partners. You have a depth of passion within you that isn't obvious or recognized, and you may seek to project this power drive onto a relationship partner, rather than directly own up to it. You may therefore find yourself in relationship with dark or manipulative personality types, who may exhibit openly the tendencies you have yourself at a more hidden level. You are likely to go through many changes in your relationship dynamic, as you come to understand more fully your inner process. You may exhibit strong attractions toward close involvement with another person, and simultaneously have fears regarding such attachments. Time and moving through the fires of difficulties may lead you to a painful re-examination of your goals in these areas. Wisdom is required in the handling of close relationships in order to transform the partnership energy into a growing and conscious act of sharing, and to find your own inner strength independent of others around you.
Moon in Sagittarius (12° Sag 38' 20") Moon in the Second House
The moon in Sagittarius gives an uninhibited, freedom-loving personality which may incline to the restless. You are very idealistic, and see the best side of everyone. You are happy and fun to be around. You are also apt to be impatient. You tend to react to situations with action rather than with reflection. You can also be unrealistic in your approach to situations. You should learn to temper your idealism with reality in setting out to achieve your high aspirations.
The Moon in the Second House represents being emotionally connected with one's values, with one's possessions, or the material things in this world. You may feel that your self-worth is connected with the physical manifestation of material wealth or material comfort. Your values are very important to you. You may feel compelled toward gaining material wealth or possessions when your emotional life is unfulfilling. You can also be quite generous. Your finances may fluctuate throughout your lifetime as you move through various emotional growth phases. When you follow your gut feelings you are likely to be successful financially. You excel in occupations which deal with meeting the wants and needs of other people. You feel most comfortable and secure when your values and emotions are clearly defined and you can act upon them.
Neptune in Sagittarius (24° Sag 40'R) Neptune in the Third House Neptune in the Third House (or sign) gives a clever personality with subtle charm. You are witty and poetic. You are fond of higher education, but you tend to be a dreamer and may miss out on serious study because of it. You see the world through the mystical third eye, rather than the usual binocular setup that allows most people to get along. Because of your extraordinary visionary viewpoint you may see more than others and also miss out on some of the mundane details. You may suffer some confusion regarding communication received, or perhaps where close relatives are concerned, or have feelings of insecurity stemming from your early years, that carries over into adult life. You can be indecisive and worrisome but you are also broad-minded and mentally creative. It benefits you to learn to focus your considerable creative potential, and to let yourself become a channel for higher forms of thought to flow into your own life, and through you into the world around you.
Monday, January 21, 2008
My sisters
Jarryn
Joelle 
Upon reading my friends blog today, it inspired me to write a blog along similar lines...:). She wrote about her sister, such nice and sweet things...and I’m going to strive to give you a mental picture of who my sisters are and where they are in life :).
Joelle~ the middle sister, and I believe she truly imbibes all of those traits that middle siblings are said to have.
Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings. Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company's CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.
She’s definitely played the victim on more than one occasion, seeing things in life that never actually happened, and downplaying any presumed favoring she’s had from our parents. She’s inventive, and lively…always stealing the show. She enjoys being active and is constantly surrounded by friends. And in so many ways she’s my opposite. She is aggressive and direct, getting the job done and I tend to be overly passive and dismissive, and internalize far too much. I admire her tenacity for getting people to want to follow her and her direction. On the flip side to that coin, we clash sometimes too much, and she hurts my feelings…or I come off too abrupt for her…
Jarryn~ the youngest sister, with all these traits:
While lastborns may be charming, they also have the potential to be manipulative, spoiled or babied to the point of helplessness. "The last born is the one who will probably still have a pet name although he's 29 and has a masters degree," Leman says.
This may be true in some aspects. Jarryn is endlessly charming, and far cooler than I have ever or will ever be. People are attracted to her magnetism and general friendliness. She’s just a great friend. Sometimes I envy her seemingly endless ways to bond with so many different types of people. She’s a friend to all, and all clamor to be her friend.
Ok, now the fun part…me Jessica:
Clearly, firstborns are natural leaders. They also tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don't like surprises. Although, firstborns are typically aggressive, many are also compliant people pleasers. They are model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge.
Ok, maybe it’s harder to see when you’re delving into yourself than looking at others. But I’m going to try J. I do believe I may possess some leadership qualities, and I’m generally reliable, conscientious and a perfectionist. But…I love surprises J. I don’t believe I’m aggressive, although at times I strive to be more so, for many reasons but I am a people pleaser to a fault. I thrive under approval from people I admire and/or look up to.
All in all, I would love to take some of my sister’s qualities. Joelle’s tenacity, aggressiveness, her drive…and Jarryn’s magnetism, charm and ability to never meet a stranger. My sisters are amazing individuals that I wish I could be more like…and I strive everyday to be someone they too wish they could mimic.
Joelle~ the middle sister, and I believe she truly imbibes all of those traits that middle siblings are said to have.
Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings. Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, they are independent and inventive. If a firstborn is a company's CEO, the middle child is the entrepreneur.
She’s definitely played the victim on more than one occasion, seeing things in life that never actually happened, and downplaying any presumed favoring she’s had from our parents. She’s inventive, and lively…always stealing the show. She enjoys being active and is constantly surrounded by friends. And in so many ways she’s my opposite. She is aggressive and direct, getting the job done and I tend to be overly passive and dismissive, and internalize far too much. I admire her tenacity for getting people to want to follow her and her direction. On the flip side to that coin, we clash sometimes too much, and she hurts my feelings…or I come off too abrupt for her…
Jarryn~ the youngest sister, with all these traits:
While lastborns may be charming, they also have the potential to be manipulative, spoiled or babied to the point of helplessness. "The last born is the one who will probably still have a pet name although he's 29 and has a masters degree," Leman says.
This may be true in some aspects. Jarryn is endlessly charming, and far cooler than I have ever or will ever be. People are attracted to her magnetism and general friendliness. She’s just a great friend. Sometimes I envy her seemingly endless ways to bond with so many different types of people. She’s a friend to all, and all clamor to be her friend.
Ok, now the fun part…me Jessica:
Clearly, firstborns are natural leaders. They also tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don't like surprises. Although, firstborns are typically aggressive, many are also compliant people pleasers. They are model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge.
Ok, maybe it’s harder to see when you’re delving into yourself than looking at others. But I’m going to try J. I do believe I may possess some leadership qualities, and I’m generally reliable, conscientious and a perfectionist. But…I love surprises J. I don’t believe I’m aggressive, although at times I strive to be more so, for many reasons but I am a people pleaser to a fault. I thrive under approval from people I admire and/or look up to.
All in all, I would love to take some of my sister’s qualities. Joelle’s tenacity, aggressiveness, her drive…and Jarryn’s magnetism, charm and ability to never meet a stranger. My sisters are amazing individuals that I wish I could be more like…and I strive everyday to be someone they too wish they could mimic.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Poem
I stumbled across this poem, or quote of sorts on my journey through the internet, and decided I enjoyed it enough to share it.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Perceptions
Happiness is something people are spending their whole lives trying to attain. For some it's a place you get to when you achieve success, for others little pleasures in life bring joy. For far too many it’s a goal just out of reach, always something else needed to attain to achieve it, or some other milestone must be crossed before they expect happiness. For children it's almost expected for them to find the pure joy in little activities like making mud pies in the back yard, or finding their favorite candy in the candy dish and being allowed to eat it.
Happiness for adults, is sadly more complicated. I think thought and ideas and stress of trying to get things perfect, live up to whomever’s expectations, and just the trials of life drag adults down until they forget that happiness CAN be found in the little things. And I also firmly believe that happiness is all about your perception of life and how you choose to react to circumstances, your frame of mind if you will. Because I love quotes and I think this one is appropriate I'm going to throw it in now....wait for it...ok here you go:
"A happy person is not the person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." Hugh Downs.
Attitudes…J I like it. I try to live in that attitude, but sometimes it eludes me and other times it is just out of reach. I think of happiness personally as a life long adventure to always find those little things that brings a smile to your lips and warmth to your heart.
And I still get excited if I can find my favorite candy in the candy dish.
Happiness for adults, is sadly more complicated. I think thought and ideas and stress of trying to get things perfect, live up to whomever’s expectations, and just the trials of life drag adults down until they forget that happiness CAN be found in the little things. And I also firmly believe that happiness is all about your perception of life and how you choose to react to circumstances, your frame of mind if you will. Because I love quotes and I think this one is appropriate I'm going to throw it in now....wait for it...ok here you go:
"A happy person is not the person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." Hugh Downs.
Attitudes…J I like it. I try to live in that attitude, but sometimes it eludes me and other times it is just out of reach. I think of happiness personally as a life long adventure to always find those little things that brings a smile to your lips and warmth to your heart.
And I still get excited if I can find my favorite candy in the candy dish.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Adorable Among Other Things
Adorable: Lovable, especially in a childlike way.
The definition of adorable according to the random website I visited with definitions, cause I don't seem to own a real dictionary, can be seen above. You're probably thinking, ok thanks for the update, what is this all about? etc...Well I'll tell you, since this is a blog and I can tell you whatever I please!
Ok, from the beginning :). I am totally and completely into games. Board games, online games, video games...you name it, I like them! I happen to play an online game currently. I will happily admit I am a big mmorpg dork. I play a game called World of Warcraft, and I happen to enjoy it immensely! Anyhow, in this game you can talk to other people from various parts of the world on your quest to save whomever you are saving at that moment. Some of these people I encounter I get to know better than others, some I know irl (wow talk for in real life for those of you not in the know). You are probably wondering how any of this relates to the definition of adorable, well hang on to your socks I'm about to tell ya!
I had 3 separate people, only one of whom I know irl tell me in like a few hours of playing that I was adorable. The first time I was flattered, if not a little taken aback, the second I was flattered again and didn't really dwell on it, but the third time, although I was flattered I started contemplating this. Initially I thought of it as a compliment, then I thought about how everyone called Jessica Simpson adorable after her chicken of the sea comment and started thinking, ok maybe I am just coming off as ditsy. Then I started thinking ditsy isn't all that bad, I can live with that. THEN (yes I do lotsa thinking, thanks for noticing) I decided maybe all of this wasn't a compliment and it needed to be further investigated. So I looked up the word.
I must say peoples perceptions of me fascinate me. This intrigues me partly because someone's perception and beliefs define who the are, and partly because I just like to know how other people percieve me. The thing that sparked my interest about adorable, is because several different people most of whom I have never met, complimented me using the exact same word. I suppose it's exciting that my personality comes accross as such to different people, I wouldn't want the world's perception of me to be a negative one... So I decided to embrace the adorableness, and absorb the compliment. I don't mind being adorable or all those words synonomous with it :).
Adorable: syn. sweet, gorgeous, delightful, lovable, delectable, endearing, cute, charming.
The definition of adorable according to the random website I visited with definitions, cause I don't seem to own a real dictionary, can be seen above. You're probably thinking, ok thanks for the update, what is this all about? etc...Well I'll tell you, since this is a blog and I can tell you whatever I please!
Ok, from the beginning :). I am totally and completely into games. Board games, online games, video games...you name it, I like them! I happen to play an online game currently. I will happily admit I am a big mmorpg dork. I play a game called World of Warcraft, and I happen to enjoy it immensely! Anyhow, in this game you can talk to other people from various parts of the world on your quest to save whomever you are saving at that moment. Some of these people I encounter I get to know better than others, some I know irl (wow talk for in real life for those of you not in the know). You are probably wondering how any of this relates to the definition of adorable, well hang on to your socks I'm about to tell ya!
I had 3 separate people, only one of whom I know irl tell me in like a few hours of playing that I was adorable. The first time I was flattered, if not a little taken aback, the second I was flattered again and didn't really dwell on it, but the third time, although I was flattered I started contemplating this. Initially I thought of it as a compliment, then I thought about how everyone called Jessica Simpson adorable after her chicken of the sea comment and started thinking, ok maybe I am just coming off as ditsy. Then I started thinking ditsy isn't all that bad, I can live with that. THEN (yes I do lotsa thinking, thanks for noticing) I decided maybe all of this wasn't a compliment and it needed to be further investigated. So I looked up the word.
I must say peoples perceptions of me fascinate me. This intrigues me partly because someone's perception and beliefs define who the are, and partly because I just like to know how other people percieve me. The thing that sparked my interest about adorable, is because several different people most of whom I have never met, complimented me using the exact same word. I suppose it's exciting that my personality comes accross as such to different people, I wouldn't want the world's perception of me to be a negative one... So I decided to embrace the adorableness, and absorb the compliment. I don't mind being adorable or all those words synonomous with it :).
Adorable: syn. sweet, gorgeous, delightful, lovable, delectable, endearing, cute, charming.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
My Friend
Another note, which I thought deserved a different post and because my wonderful friend Jenn (who in my opinion is infinitely knowledgable about the blogging world) said blogging has no rules..is about my friend...the one I've written previously about and have withheld her name...THAT FRIEND. (If you are unsure what I am talking about, see previous posts for information, or just stop reading...whichever :P)
My friend called me a few nights ago saying that she wanted to fix our friendship. To this I stated that I felt the ball was in her court, because frankly I was tired of trying. Sad, I know,but I was trying to be honest, and my feelings had been hurt for far too long to withhold them any longer. Anyhow, she responded to this by saying ok...and then not calling me for 2 days with any kind of anything. I kinda shrugged it off, because for a long time this has been her M.O. saying she wanted things to change, and then not doing anything to change them. I figured, oh well...I tried.
Then last night she surprised me! She called and said that the things I had said had weighed heavily on her mind. That she had never felt as loved and as needed as she did when she started getting better and noticing that her being absent from people's lives effected them. This gave me pause. I mean, yes I know my life is different because she is absent from it, and I know those people she's closest to are probably effected, that's not what gave me pause. I paused because I wondered if and how many people would be different without me....I wondered how many people are impacted by my life. Anyhow, back to the convo: Then she talked about how she wanted to be there for people and talk to them, but she just couldn't.
She told me how overwhelmed she is by mundane things and how multiple tasks at the same time are impossible for her now, even if it includes talking to someone while making dinner. She told me that she understood why so many people were upset with her and by her...but that no one understood where she has been or where she is going. This, I have to admit upsets me. It upsets me that she thinks no one knows where she's been, but she knows where everyone else has been. She can't know what it's like to constantly be there for someone that backs farther and farther out of your life. Or to put yourself out there to be yelled at for no particular reason, or to feel like you're giving your all to someone who isn't giving anything in return. Maybe this is a stupid reason for being upset, but I think if someone is accusing me of not understanding their side, they should be equally acceptable of admitting they don't understand my point of view. This coupled with the fact that I dispise not understanding something or someone makes me upset. Maybe the latter more than the former.
Anyhow, she continued her explanation of why no one understands her and I listened patiently :)...I even told her how her telling me I don't understand but she does upsetted me. Then she told me that she wanted to show me that I was important to her, and that I was a priority so she could convey to me the importance I am in her life. Perhaps this is too much drama to undertake. I live for no drama. But I am going to give it another go, and see where the friendship road takes us :)
My friend called me a few nights ago saying that she wanted to fix our friendship. To this I stated that I felt the ball was in her court, because frankly I was tired of trying. Sad, I know,but I was trying to be honest, and my feelings had been hurt for far too long to withhold them any longer. Anyhow, she responded to this by saying ok...and then not calling me for 2 days with any kind of anything. I kinda shrugged it off, because for a long time this has been her M.O. saying she wanted things to change, and then not doing anything to change them. I figured, oh well...I tried.
Then last night she surprised me! She called and said that the things I had said had weighed heavily on her mind. That she had never felt as loved and as needed as she did when she started getting better and noticing that her being absent from people's lives effected them. This gave me pause. I mean, yes I know my life is different because she is absent from it, and I know those people she's closest to are probably effected, that's not what gave me pause. I paused because I wondered if and how many people would be different without me....I wondered how many people are impacted by my life. Anyhow, back to the convo: Then she talked about how she wanted to be there for people and talk to them, but she just couldn't.
She told me how overwhelmed she is by mundane things and how multiple tasks at the same time are impossible for her now, even if it includes talking to someone while making dinner. She told me that she understood why so many people were upset with her and by her...but that no one understood where she has been or where she is going. This, I have to admit upsets me. It upsets me that she thinks no one knows where she's been, but she knows where everyone else has been. She can't know what it's like to constantly be there for someone that backs farther and farther out of your life. Or to put yourself out there to be yelled at for no particular reason, or to feel like you're giving your all to someone who isn't giving anything in return. Maybe this is a stupid reason for being upset, but I think if someone is accusing me of not understanding their side, they should be equally acceptable of admitting they don't understand my point of view. This coupled with the fact that I dispise not understanding something or someone makes me upset. Maybe the latter more than the former.
Anyhow, she continued her explanation of why no one understands her and I listened patiently :)...I even told her how her telling me I don't understand but she does upsetted me. Then she told me that she wanted to show me that I was important to her, and that I was a priority so she could convey to me the importance I am in her life. Perhaps this is too much drama to undertake. I live for no drama. But I am going to give it another go, and see where the friendship road takes us :)
Success!
Yay! Today I made a small triumph in the world of Jessica! I actually got out of bed at 6:21am! Can you tell I'm excited? To most people, this may be everyday, but to me it's a once in a while thing...and something I positively strive for everyday....so yes I'm excited! I got up and out of bed, took a shower, brushed my teeth at home instead of work, did my hair (yay me I look like an adult today!), and actually picked out my clothes dependent on what looked ok together and what matched etc...I feel great! Today is going to be a good day!
Friday, January 4, 2008
My Middle Name Is Late, or Should Have Been
I hate getting up in the morning. I am absolutely one of the worst about being able to actually get up in the morning and getting ready. Not necessarily bad at the getting ready part, I can put on jeans with the best of them, but the getting up part leaves something to be desired. Today was no exception. The alarm went off at 6:25am (which was actually 6:15...I set it early to fool myself into thinking it's later, but it never works...I think it's cause I have calculated to the minute how much early it is and how much longer this will give me to sleep in...*sighs*) and as usual I hit snooze, rolled over and went back to sleep, at least that's what I believe happened but as I don't remember... I'm going with it. Then (also an assumption, because the memory of this evades me) I continue to hit snooze as the morning day ticks away bringing me closer to the time when I should be at work. At about 7am every morning Michelle calls me and pretty much pesters the crap outta me until I get up, sometimes this is 7:05am sometimes it is 8am.
The 7:05am days are the good days...today was not one of those days. Apparently somewhere in between my snooze hits and Michelle's constant callings (all of which I don't remember, btw) 7:05am came and went. Michelle finally got me to wake up at 7:47am. I am going to pause now and just say that I'm really greatful she's so patient and persistent...without her who knows if I would even be able to keep a job? So thanks Michelle for being on the other end of that persistently ringing phone.
Ok, back to my morning. At this time (7:48am) I start crying immediately. Then I start thinking, man I hate this about myself...blah blah blah as I made a mad dash to my collection of clothes and picked out literally whatever I could get my hands on first which happened to be a 2005 National Champions UT sweatshirt (that I'm sure I'll be regretting later in the day when it starts warming up), some dark blue jeans that I'm sure I have worn before cause the belt was already in them...one turtle sock (yes one) and one sock with pink flowers on it and tennis shoes. I literally was dressed and had my hair pulled up in under 2 minutes. By the way, I have to be at work at 8am, which I know is not early to most people...but I have never been most people.
This morning getting a late start was especially disappointing because I had to attend a work meeting. This entails standing around in a large office with everyone else I work with while discussions take place about where we are, what we are doing etc. Being late to one of these meetings is absolutely unfun, trust me...I know. Everyone stares at you in ur hastily put together outfit, and my supervisor (such a gem...note the sarcasm) makes a point to address your lateness in front of everyone and takes great pains to ensure you talk as much as possible so everyone looks at you in all your sometimes mismatched, always not the best outfit in the world with unbrushed hair...sucks. I dislike having a roomful of people staring at me if I am not performing in some matter.
So as I dash through the house, and speed on the road (I do not speed on the road generally...) all I can think about is "It is 7:53am, it takes 20-25 minutes to get to work, I am so going to be late...again." You would think that as often as I get to work at 8:15ish I wouldn't mind being late, but in truth I'm not such a big fan. Normally things like dinner with a friend, a movie (although the previews are my fav part) etc I don't stress so much about being late...but work is different. Especially now with my current supervisor, whom I already feel takes every opportunity he can to point out any mistakes I make...which I'm sure has some kind of deep-seated meaning, but I mostly think it's cause he is trying to find a good enough reason to get rid of me...but can't cause he doesn't have that kind of pull (but that is subject for another blog...possibly another day...but who knows? I like the fact that blogging has no rules :D).
I made it! I got to the office at 8:10am by speeding dangerously and a few calculated shortcuts. The meeting hadn't started! I was immediately relieved, and slightly out of breath because I sprinted from the parking place I found close to the building which was actually almost a block away (one of the prices of being late), as I walked into the office and saw everyone filing in to the meeting room. I actually wasn't even the last person in the room! Triumph! One less meeting my supervisor can't make me feel totally inappropriate and embarrassed because of my tardiness..score! (I never say score, maybe it's the sweatshirt?) The fleeting shocked look on my supervisor's face at my appearance in the meeting room before the meeting began was almost worth the plethera of emotions I went through from 7:47am to then...almost. This is only almost because I'm still in a haphazardly put together outfit with unbrushed hair, unbrushed teeth (yes this is nasty...but I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in the office for just this reason...the planning ahead is both a good thing and bad), and I feel rather sloppy.
I think this is the reason I hate being late the most. Because the times I am late out number the times I am early by far and the times I am ontime by some, I never can take the time to make myself look like the 26yr old woman I am...Everyday I vow that I will get up earlier and make the extra effort to look like an adult, and actually brush my hair and my teeth, but it rarely actually happens this way. I really do try to get up, I promise! All I can do to fix it is just continue to try...until something happens and I develop an internal clock or become a lighter sleeper Late will be my middle name, but I'm hoping that will change soon.
*Note...if this blog seems a little weirder than usual or especially choppy, it's cause I've been interrupted numerous times during it...the trials of blogging at work.
The 7:05am days are the good days...today was not one of those days. Apparently somewhere in between my snooze hits and Michelle's constant callings (all of which I don't remember, btw) 7:05am came and went. Michelle finally got me to wake up at 7:47am. I am going to pause now and just say that I'm really greatful she's so patient and persistent...without her who knows if I would even be able to keep a job? So thanks Michelle for being on the other end of that persistently ringing phone.
Ok, back to my morning. At this time (7:48am) I start crying immediately. Then I start thinking, man I hate this about myself...blah blah blah as I made a mad dash to my collection of clothes and picked out literally whatever I could get my hands on first which happened to be a 2005 National Champions UT sweatshirt (that I'm sure I'll be regretting later in the day when it starts warming up), some dark blue jeans that I'm sure I have worn before cause the belt was already in them...one turtle sock (yes one) and one sock with pink flowers on it and tennis shoes. I literally was dressed and had my hair pulled up in under 2 minutes. By the way, I have to be at work at 8am, which I know is not early to most people...but I have never been most people.
This morning getting a late start was especially disappointing because I had to attend a work meeting. This entails standing around in a large office with everyone else I work with while discussions take place about where we are, what we are doing etc. Being late to one of these meetings is absolutely unfun, trust me...I know. Everyone stares at you in ur hastily put together outfit, and my supervisor (such a gem...note the sarcasm) makes a point to address your lateness in front of everyone and takes great pains to ensure you talk as much as possible so everyone looks at you in all your sometimes mismatched, always not the best outfit in the world with unbrushed hair...sucks. I dislike having a roomful of people staring at me if I am not performing in some matter.
So as I dash through the house, and speed on the road (I do not speed on the road generally...) all I can think about is "It is 7:53am, it takes 20-25 minutes to get to work, I am so going to be late...again." You would think that as often as I get to work at 8:15ish I wouldn't mind being late, but in truth I'm not such a big fan. Normally things like dinner with a friend, a movie (although the previews are my fav part) etc I don't stress so much about being late...but work is different. Especially now with my current supervisor, whom I already feel takes every opportunity he can to point out any mistakes I make...which I'm sure has some kind of deep-seated meaning, but I mostly think it's cause he is trying to find a good enough reason to get rid of me...but can't cause he doesn't have that kind of pull (but that is subject for another blog...possibly another day...but who knows? I like the fact that blogging has no rules :D).
I made it! I got to the office at 8:10am by speeding dangerously and a few calculated shortcuts. The meeting hadn't started! I was immediately relieved, and slightly out of breath because I sprinted from the parking place I found close to the building which was actually almost a block away (one of the prices of being late), as I walked into the office and saw everyone filing in to the meeting room. I actually wasn't even the last person in the room! Triumph! One less meeting my supervisor can't make me feel totally inappropriate and embarrassed because of my tardiness..score! (I never say score, maybe it's the sweatshirt?) The fleeting shocked look on my supervisor's face at my appearance in the meeting room before the meeting began was almost worth the plethera of emotions I went through from 7:47am to then...almost. This is only almost because I'm still in a haphazardly put together outfit with unbrushed hair, unbrushed teeth (yes this is nasty...but I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in the office for just this reason...the planning ahead is both a good thing and bad), and I feel rather sloppy.
I think this is the reason I hate being late the most. Because the times I am late out number the times I am early by far and the times I am ontime by some, I never can take the time to make myself look like the 26yr old woman I am...Everyday I vow that I will get up earlier and make the extra effort to look like an adult, and actually brush my hair and my teeth, but it rarely actually happens this way. I really do try to get up, I promise! All I can do to fix it is just continue to try...until something happens and I develop an internal clock or become a lighter sleeper Late will be my middle name, but I'm hoping that will change soon.
*Note...if this blog seems a little weirder than usual or especially choppy, it's cause I've been interrupted numerous times during it...the trials of blogging at work.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Christmas List and other Babble
Ok I was rereading some of my posts, and I didn't mean this blog to be airing dirty laundry or reliving the drama of my life...eventhough, for the most part I have virtually no drama...So, to lighten things up I'm going to make a list :) a list of what I got for Christmas! And let me tell you, I got lots!
I got:
Iphone-SOOOOOOOOOOO exciting let me tell you what! and fancy woohoo!
Mystic topaz ring-the original mood ring :)
James Avery Diploma Charm- yay for charm necklaces (yes I'm a weirdo, thanks for noticing!)
Hairspray- Ok so this is one of the cutest movies I have EVER seen!
Bathroom decor- sounds weird (but then I'm weird, remember?) but I actually asked for it! it's fun and red and brown!
PJs-I love loungewear
Dean Koontz book- I feel awful, I can't remember the name, but I'm sure I will enjoy it!
South Beach Diet Cookbook-I like cookbooks...like ALOT, and not sure why, cause I don't do tons of cooking, but this one is sure to be used as that's the diet I'm currently on!
Cream & Sugar set-so domestic...and fun red color!
Gravy dish- don't exactly know what this is, or if it's actually a gravy dish..but it matches the cream & sugar set!
My Best Friends Wedding & Wedding Planner Combo set- fun girlie movies!
Gift card-all this AND a gift card!
I am sure I am leaving something out, but this is what I remember at the moment, and may add more later :) Needless to say Christmas was full of fun and lotsa gifts! I got so much stuff and feel very loved :).
I got:
Iphone-SOOOOOOOOOOO exciting let me tell you what! and fancy woohoo!
Mystic topaz ring-the original mood ring :)
James Avery Diploma Charm- yay for charm necklaces (yes I'm a weirdo, thanks for noticing!)
Hairspray- Ok so this is one of the cutest movies I have EVER seen!
Bathroom decor- sounds weird (but then I'm weird, remember?) but I actually asked for it! it's fun and red and brown!
PJs-I love loungewear
Dean Koontz book- I feel awful, I can't remember the name, but I'm sure I will enjoy it!
South Beach Diet Cookbook-I like cookbooks...like ALOT, and not sure why, cause I don't do tons of cooking, but this one is sure to be used as that's the diet I'm currently on!
Cream & Sugar set-so domestic...and fun red color!
Gravy dish- don't exactly know what this is, or if it's actually a gravy dish..but it matches the cream & sugar set!
My Best Friends Wedding & Wedding Planner Combo set- fun girlie movies!
Gift card-all this AND a gift card!
I am sure I am leaving something out, but this is what I remember at the moment, and may add more later :) Needless to say Christmas was full of fun and lotsa gifts! I got so much stuff and feel very loved :).
Further Texts
Further text messages from my friend today (btw she didn't answer or return calls or texts yesterday).
Me: I absolutely must talk 2 u today.
Friend: Please calm down, I got ur msg after midnite. Then I looked and u called at 9am. Almost like you didn't really want me to answer. I am takin my med n I'll call u when i'm done.
Me: But I texted u after and it would be nice if u didn't assume I was irrational. If you would like 2 call me after that would be nice.
Friend: Also, I know ur hurt n I understand y. I really don't mean to hurt u!
Me: I want 2 believe that u want 2 be my friend and that u are not trying 2 hurt me. I think that I have been more than understanding and sympathetic and I've done all in my power 2 try 2 be there 4 u and show u how much u and our friendship means to me.
Friend: It would be great if instead of trying to believe it that you could. but i know that's hard.
Me: Its only hard because I don't feel it from u and have only had glimpses of it 4 a long time.
Friend: Our friendship means the world 2 me, its just hard 4 me 2 show that right now.
Me: My mind knows that. I'm not trying 2 play a victim here or make u feel bad or belittle ur illness I just don't think u understand what I've been through or what my life is even like anymore. Sometimes I think on your quest to find yourself again u have forgotten who I am. It is evident that u think I'm constantly upset and am going to fly off the handle about anything and everything. It's amazing to me that this is what our relationship seemingly boils down 2 anymore. It pains me to think that's all I appear to u. Someone who is irrationally upset all the time and expects 2 much from someone who's been as sick as u have.
Friend: I only feel that way, bc I'm always letting u down. I am always disapointing everyone, and it's just hard 2 make myself disapoint u also. But no matter what I do, I'm just not good enough and I just don't want peopl eto remember me this way. So I just want 2 go away til i'm better, so I won't hurt anyone more.
Me: This is not about talking to me or not, it's about u not being there when I've needed you. And you say no matter what u do, except I don't know what you are talking about. Its not about how much laundry you do or how well your kids do on their projects or how much you DO it's about you just being able to be there and share emotional hardships and life's exciting moments. It's not about you wanting to go away until you're better without regard to how you will make people feel abandoned and betrayed. You can't go in hiding until you are 100% but you don't have to DO anything except be there. Don't you understand how running away does the exact opposite of what you want 2 spare people from? Whoever said running away wdoesn't solve anything was right, imo.
Friend: No, I guess I just didn't think about it that way. I only have a small amount of energy, and it seems like there's just not enough 2 go around.
Me: The problem then lies with time management and knowing your limits, and I guess it's evident where I am on the list.
Friend: Actually you're the only one that I conserve energy for. I truly love you.
Me: Then I should have lotsa energy saved up. I love u 2, I don't know that I could have stuck around if I didn't.
Again, I know...I am appearing to play the victim but it is not intentional. I just want to be able to be completely honest about my feelings, cause I don't feel I will be able to move on other wise. I may be putting more stock into this than what it's worth, and maybe I am expecting too much out of someone. But this friendship has been onesided for so long, and I have put so much into this friendship that I am truly more hurt by this abandonment than I've ever admitted before. And no, she's not some super cruel person that thrives on my hurt and pain...I think she just honestly thinks that I would be better off if I didn't have to deal with her until she was better. My thoughts drift to the possibility then that she may never be the 100% she was before, and if that's true...how long do I have to wait if she runs away? But I guess the more pertinent question is, would I wait at all?
Me: I absolutely must talk 2 u today.
Friend: Please calm down, I got ur msg after midnite. Then I looked and u called at 9am. Almost like you didn't really want me to answer. I am takin my med n I'll call u when i'm done.
Me: But I texted u after and it would be nice if u didn't assume I was irrational. If you would like 2 call me after that would be nice.
Friend: Also, I know ur hurt n I understand y. I really don't mean to hurt u!
Me: I want 2 believe that u want 2 be my friend and that u are not trying 2 hurt me. I think that I have been more than understanding and sympathetic and I've done all in my power 2 try 2 be there 4 u and show u how much u and our friendship means to me.
Friend: It would be great if instead of trying to believe it that you could. but i know that's hard.
Me: Its only hard because I don't feel it from u and have only had glimpses of it 4 a long time.
Friend: Our friendship means the world 2 me, its just hard 4 me 2 show that right now.
Me: My mind knows that. I'm not trying 2 play a victim here or make u feel bad or belittle ur illness I just don't think u understand what I've been through or what my life is even like anymore. Sometimes I think on your quest to find yourself again u have forgotten who I am. It is evident that u think I'm constantly upset and am going to fly off the handle about anything and everything. It's amazing to me that this is what our relationship seemingly boils down 2 anymore. It pains me to think that's all I appear to u. Someone who is irrationally upset all the time and expects 2 much from someone who's been as sick as u have.
Friend: I only feel that way, bc I'm always letting u down. I am always disapointing everyone, and it's just hard 2 make myself disapoint u also. But no matter what I do, I'm just not good enough and I just don't want peopl eto remember me this way. So I just want 2 go away til i'm better, so I won't hurt anyone more.
Me: This is not about talking to me or not, it's about u not being there when I've needed you. And you say no matter what u do, except I don't know what you are talking about. Its not about how much laundry you do or how well your kids do on their projects or how much you DO it's about you just being able to be there and share emotional hardships and life's exciting moments. It's not about you wanting to go away until you're better without regard to how you will make people feel abandoned and betrayed. You can't go in hiding until you are 100% but you don't have to DO anything except be there. Don't you understand how running away does the exact opposite of what you want 2 spare people from? Whoever said running away wdoesn't solve anything was right, imo.
Friend: No, I guess I just didn't think about it that way. I only have a small amount of energy, and it seems like there's just not enough 2 go around.
Me: The problem then lies with time management and knowing your limits, and I guess it's evident where I am on the list.
Friend: Actually you're the only one that I conserve energy for. I truly love you.
Me: Then I should have lotsa energy saved up. I love u 2, I don't know that I could have stuck around if I didn't.
Again, I know...I am appearing to play the victim but it is not intentional. I just want to be able to be completely honest about my feelings, cause I don't feel I will be able to move on other wise. I may be putting more stock into this than what it's worth, and maybe I am expecting too much out of someone. But this friendship has been onesided for so long, and I have put so much into this friendship that I am truly more hurt by this abandonment than I've ever admitted before. And no, she's not some super cruel person that thrives on my hurt and pain...I think she just honestly thinks that I would be better off if I didn't have to deal with her until she was better. My thoughts drift to the possibility then that she may never be the 100% she was before, and if that's true...how long do I have to wait if she runs away? But I guess the more pertinent question is, would I wait at all?
Friends and Goodbyes
Today I have done something very unjessicalike (yes I know it isn't a word, but it works...go with it). Maybe today has been long coming and I have just caught up with myself and my uncharacteristic decision. Ok, from the top....
I have a friend whom I felt was the pinultimate friend. The one I could be closest comrades with for my lifetime. I know everyone longs for the bossom friend like Anne of Green Gables, but I never thought I would have one...until I did. She is warm-hearted and loving, sincere, funny, goofy, serious, opinionated and in short the friend I had dreamed of forever. Some people find friends through hardships and going through things with another, or by sharing a common goal. My friend was found by accident! Life is funny that way :).
Anyhow, to the point...friendships have always been very important to me, and lots of my life has felt as though the people I label as my friends are the ones who have needed me and I've been there for. Ok, so I know this sounds like I'm being conceited and everyone needs me blah blah...but in truth I think part of my quirkiness lies in my need to be needed. So, I need friends who need me...or whatever. With my long sought out friend, it was different....she needed me, yes....and I needed to be needed, but she gave something back to me that I think I had been missing for a long time. I digress...
After we had been friends for a few years, my friend was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder and shortly thereafter found out she was pregnant. Needless to say pain medication and pregnancy do not go together, she suffered tremendously, and pushed herself way too far. Admirable to a fault....she ceased to be the friend I knew and had longed for. It's been 2 years since her baby was born...and still, she's not the same. I feel as though I've given everything I have, everything I can to try to ease her pain, to be helpful and supportive....but I've never felt that it was enough. I think it is because she still isn't better. She's changed personalities...while I have no doubt somewhere inside she is still the person that drew me to her....she fakes what she thinks people are used to seeing from her. She's no longer genuinely joyful, exuberant, sometimes it feels as though she no longer genuinely cares.
For a long time I have made excuses to myself for her. I have tried and tried and tried to drill into myself that she's sick, and she just needs to be better. It's not in my nature to give up easily. I have felt alone and sad...she no longer has any inclination as to what is going on in my life. She has gone from the person I talked to everyday for drawn out meaningful and meaningless conversations, delving into each other everyday, as though we could never tire of each other's company....to the person who I feel no longer knows me.
To be fair, she's been so sick...and I feel so selfish for being hurt because she can't spend time with me, that she seemingly doesnt care to. She has 3 kids, and these kids are her world...as they should be...and they suffered for a long time without her mother. Her mother expects her to be her friend, and helper....so it's no wonder she has no time left for me. She's recovering finally from the flare up of her disorder caused by her pushing herself to the brink...she's being a mother again, a daughter...a wife...but not my friend. Is it my fault? Did I push her away because I was protecting myself from the feeling of abandonment that I tried to reason myself out of?
During this whole time, there have been numerous times when I've bit my tongue and held back the resentful and hateful things I wanted to say to her because she was hurting me...but I cannot seem to stop them anymore. I feel like an awful person. I should be more forgiving, a bigger person than I am being...I sent her something ugly via text message the other day. All throughout her sickness, I've gone above and beyond trying to save her from discovering what she had become to me...how she had started treating me...trying to be selfless (not successfully most of the time) but at least I managed to spare her my feelings of resentment and defensiveness that so often bubbled right under the surface...until New Year's day. I will recite the convo, but not because I'm proud of it...just so you can understand.
Let me preface the convo by saying that I had texted her at least 3 times over the course of days before she responded.
Me: Happy new year!
Friend:Happy new year 2 u also!
Me: Ah, so finally you respond?
Friend: What u mean?
Me: I started texting you days ago and this is the first time u responded is what I mean.
Friend: I just looked n saw a text on the 30th, but I mustve been in bed. Me: K, and the others from before? U know it doesn't even matter y u didn't text or respond back u just didn't. Hope u had fun with your family. I'm busy atm so I'll talk 2 u later.
Friend: Im really sorry, i don't c a text from then. I was wondering but just figured u were busy.
Me: And yet you made no effort but whatever u always have some reason as 2 y u couldn't talk or didn't answer or whatever and quite frankly it feels as though u are avoiding me and I REALLY don't wanna talk about it now. Enjoy your evening.
Friend:Thats really not it! but i definately understand, n truly I am sorry. u 2, can we talk tom? if not, whenever ur ready would be great. Me: Oh but it's always something and if ur not avoiding me u sure as hell aren't going out of ur way 2 do any kind of bridge mending or to be my friend and now I'm probably saying things I shouldn't and might regret voicing...but I am unsure of what direction 2 take anymore. I will call u tomorrow.
Yes I know I sound like the worst person in the world…and she sounds like the victim…and maybe it is exactly as it sounds and I’m awful and she’s a saint. I beat myself up about that a lot. But in truth, I don’t think it’s that way. Don’t get me wrong, she is wonderful…or was…and I love her dearly, but I feel torn for the most part between feeling she is just sick and she will get better and she is my best friend….and feeling as though I’ve been used and abused for far too long.
I started out this blog by saying I’ve done something very unjessicalike…and I have, I think I’ve given up on my friend. I haven’t given up hope that she may one day return to being the friend she was before, and we can go back to life as we knew it…but I’ve given up on her for now. Apparently she needs more space and time to recover, and I need less heartache and inner struggle…maybe I will regret this decision tomorrow, maybe not.
I have a friend whom I felt was the pinultimate friend. The one I could be closest comrades with for my lifetime. I know everyone longs for the bossom friend like Anne of Green Gables, but I never thought I would have one...until I did. She is warm-hearted and loving, sincere, funny, goofy, serious, opinionated and in short the friend I had dreamed of forever. Some people find friends through hardships and going through things with another, or by sharing a common goal. My friend was found by accident! Life is funny that way :).
Anyhow, to the point...friendships have always been very important to me, and lots of my life has felt as though the people I label as my friends are the ones who have needed me and I've been there for. Ok, so I know this sounds like I'm being conceited and everyone needs me blah blah...but in truth I think part of my quirkiness lies in my need to be needed. So, I need friends who need me...or whatever. With my long sought out friend, it was different....she needed me, yes....and I needed to be needed, but she gave something back to me that I think I had been missing for a long time. I digress...
After we had been friends for a few years, my friend was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder and shortly thereafter found out she was pregnant. Needless to say pain medication and pregnancy do not go together, she suffered tremendously, and pushed herself way too far. Admirable to a fault....she ceased to be the friend I knew and had longed for. It's been 2 years since her baby was born...and still, she's not the same. I feel as though I've given everything I have, everything I can to try to ease her pain, to be helpful and supportive....but I've never felt that it was enough. I think it is because she still isn't better. She's changed personalities...while I have no doubt somewhere inside she is still the person that drew me to her....she fakes what she thinks people are used to seeing from her. She's no longer genuinely joyful, exuberant, sometimes it feels as though she no longer genuinely cares.
For a long time I have made excuses to myself for her. I have tried and tried and tried to drill into myself that she's sick, and she just needs to be better. It's not in my nature to give up easily. I have felt alone and sad...she no longer has any inclination as to what is going on in my life. She has gone from the person I talked to everyday for drawn out meaningful and meaningless conversations, delving into each other everyday, as though we could never tire of each other's company....to the person who I feel no longer knows me.
To be fair, she's been so sick...and I feel so selfish for being hurt because she can't spend time with me, that she seemingly doesnt care to. She has 3 kids, and these kids are her world...as they should be...and they suffered for a long time without her mother. Her mother expects her to be her friend, and helper....so it's no wonder she has no time left for me. She's recovering finally from the flare up of her disorder caused by her pushing herself to the brink...she's being a mother again, a daughter...a wife...but not my friend. Is it my fault? Did I push her away because I was protecting myself from the feeling of abandonment that I tried to reason myself out of?
During this whole time, there have been numerous times when I've bit my tongue and held back the resentful and hateful things I wanted to say to her because she was hurting me...but I cannot seem to stop them anymore. I feel like an awful person. I should be more forgiving, a bigger person than I am being...I sent her something ugly via text message the other day. All throughout her sickness, I've gone above and beyond trying to save her from discovering what she had become to me...how she had started treating me...trying to be selfless (not successfully most of the time) but at least I managed to spare her my feelings of resentment and defensiveness that so often bubbled right under the surface...until New Year's day. I will recite the convo, but not because I'm proud of it...just so you can understand.
Let me preface the convo by saying that I had texted her at least 3 times over the course of days before she responded.
Me: Happy new year!
Friend:Happy new year 2 u also!
Me: Ah, so finally you respond?
Friend: What u mean?
Me: I started texting you days ago and this is the first time u responded is what I mean.
Friend: I just looked n saw a text on the 30th, but I mustve been in bed. Me: K, and the others from before? U know it doesn't even matter y u didn't text or respond back u just didn't. Hope u had fun with your family. I'm busy atm so I'll talk 2 u later.
Friend: Im really sorry, i don't c a text from then. I was wondering but just figured u were busy.
Me: And yet you made no effort but whatever u always have some reason as 2 y u couldn't talk or didn't answer or whatever and quite frankly it feels as though u are avoiding me and I REALLY don't wanna talk about it now. Enjoy your evening.
Friend:Thats really not it! but i definately understand, n truly I am sorry. u 2, can we talk tom? if not, whenever ur ready would be great. Me: Oh but it's always something and if ur not avoiding me u sure as hell aren't going out of ur way 2 do any kind of bridge mending or to be my friend and now I'm probably saying things I shouldn't and might regret voicing...but I am unsure of what direction 2 take anymore. I will call u tomorrow.
Yes I know I sound like the worst person in the world…and she sounds like the victim…and maybe it is exactly as it sounds and I’m awful and she’s a saint. I beat myself up about that a lot. But in truth, I don’t think it’s that way. Don’t get me wrong, she is wonderful…or was…and I love her dearly, but I feel torn for the most part between feeling she is just sick and she will get better and she is my best friend….and feeling as though I’ve been used and abused for far too long.
I started out this blog by saying I’ve done something very unjessicalike…and I have, I think I’ve given up on my friend. I haven’t given up hope that she may one day return to being the friend she was before, and we can go back to life as we knew it…but I’ve given up on her for now. Apparently she needs more space and time to recover, and I need less heartache and inner struggle…maybe I will regret this decision tomorrow, maybe not.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Second
I can learn a thing or two from my cats...relaxing taking it easy and hanging with those closest to me...the important things in life :).
Ok, I dunno the rules about blogging, or if it's kosher to post two in one day, but I have things weighing on my mind...so I'm going for it.
I'm nervous. My line of work has never proposed itself to be longstanding, although my experiences have always led me to have steady employment. My dad always tells me that the world of seismic I've been living is a dream, and it's not the norm, and I should be more prepared for months and months without work. Ok, so this scares the crap outta me. Yes, I have been pretty dilligent about saving money so I can 'prepare' myself for these times when I have no work, but I guess for all my bravado I have a paranoid personality. Or maybe I'm just easily overwhelmed by the thought of having bills and responsibilities with no means to pay for them. Or maybe these 2 things are one and the same.
Regardless, I am feeling the job I am on currently is drawing to a close and I begin to worry again about where my next paycheck is coming from, or where I am going to be able to find another job at. I fear I have grown accustomed to the life I lead now, and my nice salary and I am scared of how my life may be otherwise. But then I remember that I haven't always had this job, or made the kind of money I do now, and I survived...more than that I had fun just as I have fun now..and that's what I think I need to focus on.
I'm funny, I just realized that I both expressed my paranoia and gave myself a pep talk all in one blog. Maybe I should look up blog rules on the internet later...so I know exactly which ones I'm breaking!
The New Year
Here's one of the devestating ice pics...ice is too heavy for the winter trees, and breaks...and inturn breaks power lines. YUCK!
Ice is so pretty on the trees at this time of year...but also devestating. Here's a pretty pic.
I have mixed feelings about new year's resolutions. While it's wonderful to want to develop yourself into a better person, kick bad habits, etc...I think people use these as excuses. Ok, maybe I'm not making any sense. But lets think about it. How many new year's resolutions have you actually made and kept?? I venture to say far fewer than you've broken. I know that's true for myself. I can't even remember a resolution I've ever kept. Sad, but true. So this year I'm taking a stand...I'm vowing to make NO MORE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS. I am now and forever going to make all my life changing decisions some other time during the year, I have decided. I think this will help with my overall morale and feelings of failure at keeping the resolutions, and maybe it will give me the motivation I need to keep the changes in place. I hope so :).
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About Me
- jhrosas2006
- I am the person who loves meeting ppl, but never really talks to strangers, the one who loves wearing long sleeves, but hates being too cold, loves ice cream in the winter, likes to take walks in the city, likes diet dp and meatball subs and enjoys the adventure of life everyday.
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