Friends and Goodbyes

Today I have done something very unjessicalike (yes I know it isn't a word, but it works...go with it). Maybe today has been long coming and I have just caught up with myself and my uncharacteristic decision. Ok, from the top....

I have a friend whom I felt was the pinultimate friend. The one I could be closest comrades with for my lifetime. I know everyone longs for the bossom friend like Anne of Green Gables, but I never thought I would have one...until I did. She is warm-hearted and loving, sincere, funny, goofy, serious, opinionated and in short the friend I had dreamed of forever. Some people find friends through hardships and going through things with another, or by sharing a common goal. My friend was found by accident! Life is funny that way :).

Anyhow, to the point...friendships have always been very important to me, and lots of my life has felt as though the people I label as my friends are the ones who have needed me and I've been there for. Ok, so I know this sounds like I'm being conceited and everyone needs me blah blah...but in truth I think part of my quirkiness lies in my need to be needed. So, I need friends who need me...or whatever. With my long sought out friend, it was different....she needed me, yes....and I needed to be needed, but she gave something back to me that I think I had been missing for a long time. I digress...

After we had been friends for a few years, my friend was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder and shortly thereafter found out she was pregnant. Needless to say pain medication and pregnancy do not go together, she suffered tremendously, and pushed herself way too far. Admirable to a fault....she ceased to be the friend I knew and had longed for. It's been 2 years since her baby was born...and still, she's not the same. I feel as though I've given everything I have, everything I can to try to ease her pain, to be helpful and supportive....but I've never felt that it was enough. I think it is because she still isn't better. She's changed personalities...while I have no doubt somewhere inside she is still the person that drew me to her....she fakes what she thinks people are used to seeing from her. She's no longer genuinely joyful, exuberant, sometimes it feels as though she no longer genuinely cares.

For a long time I have made excuses to myself for her. I have tried and tried and tried to drill into myself that she's sick, and she just needs to be better. It's not in my nature to give up easily. I have felt alone and sad...she no longer has any inclination as to what is going on in my life. She has gone from the person I talked to everyday for drawn out meaningful and meaningless conversations, delving into each other everyday, as though we could never tire of each other's company....to the person who I feel no longer knows me.

To be fair, she's been so sick...and I feel so selfish for being hurt because she can't spend time with me, that she seemingly doesnt care to. She has 3 kids, and these kids are her world...as they should be...and they suffered for a long time without her mother. Her mother expects her to be her friend, and helper....so it's no wonder she has no time left for me. She's recovering finally from the flare up of her disorder caused by her pushing herself to the brink...she's being a mother again, a daughter...a wife...but not my friend. Is it my fault? Did I push her away because I was protecting myself from the feeling of abandonment that I tried to reason myself out of?

During this whole time, there have been numerous times when I've bit my tongue and held back the resentful and hateful things I wanted to say to her because she was hurting me...but I cannot seem to stop them anymore. I feel like an awful person. I should be more forgiving, a bigger person than I am being...I sent her something ugly via text message the other day. All throughout her sickness, I've gone above and beyond trying to save her from discovering what she had become to me...how she had started treating me...trying to be selfless (not successfully most of the time) but at least I managed to spare her my feelings of resentment and defensiveness that so often bubbled right under the surface...until New Year's day. I will recite the convo, but not because I'm proud of it...just so you can understand.

Let me preface the convo by saying that I had texted her at least 3 times over the course of days before she responded.
Me: Happy new year!
Friend:Happy new year 2 u also!
Me: Ah, so finally you respond?
Friend: What u mean?
Me: I started texting you days ago and this is the first time u responded is what I mean.
Friend: I just looked n saw a text on the 30th, but I mustve been in bed. Me: K, and the others from before? U know it doesn't even matter y u didn't text or respond back u just didn't. Hope u had fun with your family. I'm busy atm so I'll talk 2 u later.
Friend: Im really sorry, i don't c a text from then. I was wondering but just figured u were busy.
Me: And yet you made no effort but whatever u always have some reason as 2 y u couldn't talk or didn't answer or whatever and quite frankly it feels as though u are avoiding me and I REALLY don't wanna talk about it now. Enjoy your evening.
Friend:Thats really not it! but i definately understand, n truly I am sorry. u 2, can we talk tom? if not, whenever ur ready would be great. Me: Oh but it's always something and if ur not avoiding me u sure as hell aren't going out of ur way 2 do any kind of bridge mending or to be my friend and now I'm probably saying things I shouldn't and might regret voicing...but I am unsure of what direction 2 take anymore. I will call u tomorrow.

Yes I know I sound like the worst person in the world…and she sounds like the victim…and maybe it is exactly as it sounds and I’m awful and she’s a saint. I beat myself up about that a lot. But in truth, I don’t think it’s that way. Don’t get me wrong, she is wonderful…or was…and I love her dearly, but I feel torn for the most part between feeling she is just sick and she will get better and she is my best friend….and feeling as though I’ve been used and abused for far too long.
I started out this blog by saying I’ve done something very unjessicalike…and I have, I think I’ve given up on my friend. I haven’t given up hope that she may one day return to being the friend she was before, and we can go back to life as we knew it…but I’ve given up on her for now. Apparently she needs more space and time to recover, and I need less heartache and inner struggle…maybe I will regret this decision tomorrow, maybe not.