Further Texts

Further text messages from my friend today (btw she didn't answer or return calls or texts yesterday).

Me: I absolutely must talk 2 u today.
Friend: Please calm down, I got ur msg after midnite. Then I looked and u called at 9am. Almost like you didn't really want me to answer. I am takin my med n I'll call u when i'm done.
Me: But I texted u after and it would be nice if u didn't assume I was irrational. If you would like 2 call me after that would be nice.
Friend: Also, I know ur hurt n I understand y. I really don't mean to hurt u!
Me: I want 2 believe that u want 2 be my friend and that u are not trying 2 hurt me. I think that I have been more than understanding and sympathetic and I've done all in my power 2 try 2 be there 4 u and show u how much u and our friendship means to me.
Friend: It would be great if instead of trying to believe it that you could. but i know that's hard.
Me: Its only hard because I don't feel it from u and have only had glimpses of it 4 a long time.
Friend: Our friendship means the world 2 me, its just hard 4 me 2 show that right now.
Me: My mind knows that. I'm not trying 2 play a victim here or make u feel bad or belittle ur illness I just don't think u understand what I've been through or what my life is even like anymore. Sometimes I think on your quest to find yourself again u have forgotten who I am. It is evident that u think I'm constantly upset and am going to fly off the handle about anything and everything. It's amazing to me that this is what our relationship seemingly boils down 2 anymore. It pains me to think that's all I appear to u. Someone who is irrationally upset all the time and expects 2 much from someone who's been as sick as u have.
Friend: I only feel that way, bc I'm always letting u down. I am always disapointing everyone, and it's just hard 2 make myself disapoint u also. But no matter what I do, I'm just not good enough and I just don't want peopl eto remember me this way. So I just want 2 go away til i'm better, so I won't hurt anyone more.
Me: This is not about talking to me or not, it's about u not being there when I've needed you. And you say no matter what u do, except I don't know what you are talking about. Its not about how much laundry you do or how well your kids do on their projects or how much you DO it's about you just being able to be there and share emotional hardships and life's exciting moments. It's not about you wanting to go away until you're better without regard to how you will make people feel abandoned and betrayed. You can't go in hiding until you are 100% but you don't have to DO anything except be there. Don't you understand how running away does the exact opposite of what you want 2 spare people from? Whoever said running away wdoesn't solve anything was right, imo.
Friend: No, I guess I just didn't think about it that way. I only have a small amount of energy, and it seems like there's just not enough 2 go around.
Me: The problem then lies with time management and knowing your limits, and I guess it's evident where I am on the list.
Friend: Actually you're the only one that I conserve energy for. I truly love you.
Me: Then I should have lotsa energy saved up. I love u 2, I don't know that I could have stuck around if I didn't.

Again, I know...I am appearing to play the victim but it is not intentional. I just want to be able to be completely honest about my feelings, cause I don't feel I will be able to move on other wise. I may be putting more stock into this than what it's worth, and maybe I am expecting too much out of someone. But this friendship has been onesided for so long, and I have put so much into this friendship that I am truly more hurt by this abandonment than I've ever admitted before. And no, she's not some super cruel person that thrives on my hurt and pain...I think she just honestly thinks that I would be better off if I didn't have to deal with her until she was better. My thoughts drift to the possibility then that she may never be the 100% she was before, and if that's true...how long do I have to wait if she runs away? But I guess the more pertinent question is, would I wait at all?