Another note, which I thought deserved a different post and because my wonderful friend Jenn (who in my opinion is infinitely knowledgable about the blogging world) said blogging has no rules..is about my friend...the one I've written previously about and have withheld her name...THAT FRIEND. (If you are unsure what I am talking about, see previous posts for information, or just stop reading...whichever :P)
My friend called me a few nights ago saying that she wanted to fix our friendship. To this I stated that I felt the ball was in her court, because frankly I was tired of trying. Sad, I know,but I was trying to be honest, and my feelings had been hurt for far too long to withhold them any longer. Anyhow, she responded to this by saying ok...and then not calling me for 2 days with any kind of anything. I kinda shrugged it off, because for a long time this has been her M.O. saying she wanted things to change, and then not doing anything to change them. I figured, oh well...I tried.
Then last night she surprised me! She called and said that the things I had said had weighed heavily on her mind. That she had never felt as loved and as needed as she did when she started getting better and noticing that her being absent from people's lives effected them. This gave me pause. I mean, yes I know my life is different because she is absent from it, and I know those people she's closest to are probably effected, that's not what gave me pause. I paused because I wondered if and how many people would be different without me....I wondered how many people are impacted by my life. Anyhow, back to the convo: Then she talked about how she wanted to be there for people and talk to them, but she just couldn't.
She told me how overwhelmed she is by mundane things and how multiple tasks at the same time are impossible for her now, even if it includes talking to someone while making dinner. She told me that she understood why so many people were upset with her and by her...but that no one understood where she has been or where she is going. This, I have to admit upsets me. It upsets me that she thinks no one knows where she's been, but she knows where everyone else has been. She can't know what it's like to constantly be there for someone that backs farther and farther out of your life. Or to put yourself out there to be yelled at for no particular reason, or to feel like you're giving your all to someone who isn't giving anything in return. Maybe this is a stupid reason for being upset, but I think if someone is accusing me of not understanding their side, they should be equally acceptable of admitting they don't understand my point of view. This coupled with the fact that I dispise not understanding something or someone makes me upset. Maybe the latter more than the former.
Anyhow, she continued her explanation of why no one understands her and I listened patiently :)...I even told her how her telling me I don't understand but she does upsetted me. Then she told me that she wanted to show me that I was important to her, and that I was a priority so she could convey to me the importance I am in her life. Perhaps this is too much drama to undertake. I live for no drama. But I am going to give it another go, and see where the friendship road takes us :)
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Further Texts
Further text messages from my friend today (btw she didn't answer or return calls or texts yesterday).
Me: I absolutely must talk 2 u today.
Friend: Please calm down, I got ur msg after midnite. Then I looked and u called at 9am. Almost like you didn't really want me to answer. I am takin my med n I'll call u when i'm done.
Me: But I texted u after and it would be nice if u didn't assume I was irrational. If you would like 2 call me after that would be nice.
Friend: Also, I know ur hurt n I understand y. I really don't mean to hurt u!
Me: I want 2 believe that u want 2 be my friend and that u are not trying 2 hurt me. I think that I have been more than understanding and sympathetic and I've done all in my power 2 try 2 be there 4 u and show u how much u and our friendship means to me.
Friend: It would be great if instead of trying to believe it that you could. but i know that's hard.
Me: Its only hard because I don't feel it from u and have only had glimpses of it 4 a long time.
Friend: Our friendship means the world 2 me, its just hard 4 me 2 show that right now.
Me: My mind knows that. I'm not trying 2 play a victim here or make u feel bad or belittle ur illness I just don't think u understand what I've been through or what my life is even like anymore. Sometimes I think on your quest to find yourself again u have forgotten who I am. It is evident that u think I'm constantly upset and am going to fly off the handle about anything and everything. It's amazing to me that this is what our relationship seemingly boils down 2 anymore. It pains me to think that's all I appear to u. Someone who is irrationally upset all the time and expects 2 much from someone who's been as sick as u have.
Friend: I only feel that way, bc I'm always letting u down. I am always disapointing everyone, and it's just hard 2 make myself disapoint u also. But no matter what I do, I'm just not good enough and I just don't want peopl eto remember me this way. So I just want 2 go away til i'm better, so I won't hurt anyone more.
Me: This is not about talking to me or not, it's about u not being there when I've needed you. And you say no matter what u do, except I don't know what you are talking about. Its not about how much laundry you do or how well your kids do on their projects or how much you DO it's about you just being able to be there and share emotional hardships and life's exciting moments. It's not about you wanting to go away until you're better without regard to how you will make people feel abandoned and betrayed. You can't go in hiding until you are 100% but you don't have to DO anything except be there. Don't you understand how running away does the exact opposite of what you want 2 spare people from? Whoever said running away wdoesn't solve anything was right, imo.
Friend: No, I guess I just didn't think about it that way. I only have a small amount of energy, and it seems like there's just not enough 2 go around.
Me: The problem then lies with time management and knowing your limits, and I guess it's evident where I am on the list.
Friend: Actually you're the only one that I conserve energy for. I truly love you.
Me: Then I should have lotsa energy saved up. I love u 2, I don't know that I could have stuck around if I didn't.
Again, I know...I am appearing to play the victim but it is not intentional. I just want to be able to be completely honest about my feelings, cause I don't feel I will be able to move on other wise. I may be putting more stock into this than what it's worth, and maybe I am expecting too much out of someone. But this friendship has been onesided for so long, and I have put so much into this friendship that I am truly more hurt by this abandonment than I've ever admitted before. And no, she's not some super cruel person that thrives on my hurt and pain...I think she just honestly thinks that I would be better off if I didn't have to deal with her until she was better. My thoughts drift to the possibility then that she may never be the 100% she was before, and if that's true...how long do I have to wait if she runs away? But I guess the more pertinent question is, would I wait at all?
Me: I absolutely must talk 2 u today.
Friend: Please calm down, I got ur msg after midnite. Then I looked and u called at 9am. Almost like you didn't really want me to answer. I am takin my med n I'll call u when i'm done.
Me: But I texted u after and it would be nice if u didn't assume I was irrational. If you would like 2 call me after that would be nice.
Friend: Also, I know ur hurt n I understand y. I really don't mean to hurt u!
Me: I want 2 believe that u want 2 be my friend and that u are not trying 2 hurt me. I think that I have been more than understanding and sympathetic and I've done all in my power 2 try 2 be there 4 u and show u how much u and our friendship means to me.
Friend: It would be great if instead of trying to believe it that you could. but i know that's hard.
Me: Its only hard because I don't feel it from u and have only had glimpses of it 4 a long time.
Friend: Our friendship means the world 2 me, its just hard 4 me 2 show that right now.
Me: My mind knows that. I'm not trying 2 play a victim here or make u feel bad or belittle ur illness I just don't think u understand what I've been through or what my life is even like anymore. Sometimes I think on your quest to find yourself again u have forgotten who I am. It is evident that u think I'm constantly upset and am going to fly off the handle about anything and everything. It's amazing to me that this is what our relationship seemingly boils down 2 anymore. It pains me to think that's all I appear to u. Someone who is irrationally upset all the time and expects 2 much from someone who's been as sick as u have.
Friend: I only feel that way, bc I'm always letting u down. I am always disapointing everyone, and it's just hard 2 make myself disapoint u also. But no matter what I do, I'm just not good enough and I just don't want peopl eto remember me this way. So I just want 2 go away til i'm better, so I won't hurt anyone more.
Me: This is not about talking to me or not, it's about u not being there when I've needed you. And you say no matter what u do, except I don't know what you are talking about. Its not about how much laundry you do or how well your kids do on their projects or how much you DO it's about you just being able to be there and share emotional hardships and life's exciting moments. It's not about you wanting to go away until you're better without regard to how you will make people feel abandoned and betrayed. You can't go in hiding until you are 100% but you don't have to DO anything except be there. Don't you understand how running away does the exact opposite of what you want 2 spare people from? Whoever said running away wdoesn't solve anything was right, imo.
Friend: No, I guess I just didn't think about it that way. I only have a small amount of energy, and it seems like there's just not enough 2 go around.
Me: The problem then lies with time management and knowing your limits, and I guess it's evident where I am on the list.
Friend: Actually you're the only one that I conserve energy for. I truly love you.
Me: Then I should have lotsa energy saved up. I love u 2, I don't know that I could have stuck around if I didn't.
Again, I know...I am appearing to play the victim but it is not intentional. I just want to be able to be completely honest about my feelings, cause I don't feel I will be able to move on other wise. I may be putting more stock into this than what it's worth, and maybe I am expecting too much out of someone. But this friendship has been onesided for so long, and I have put so much into this friendship that I am truly more hurt by this abandonment than I've ever admitted before. And no, she's not some super cruel person that thrives on my hurt and pain...I think she just honestly thinks that I would be better off if I didn't have to deal with her until she was better. My thoughts drift to the possibility then that she may never be the 100% she was before, and if that's true...how long do I have to wait if she runs away? But I guess the more pertinent question is, would I wait at all?
Friends and Goodbyes
Today I have done something very unjessicalike (yes I know it isn't a word, but it works...go with it). Maybe today has been long coming and I have just caught up with myself and my uncharacteristic decision. Ok, from the top....
I have a friend whom I felt was the pinultimate friend. The one I could be closest comrades with for my lifetime. I know everyone longs for the bossom friend like Anne of Green Gables, but I never thought I would have one...until I did. She is warm-hearted and loving, sincere, funny, goofy, serious, opinionated and in short the friend I had dreamed of forever. Some people find friends through hardships and going through things with another, or by sharing a common goal. My friend was found by accident! Life is funny that way :).
Anyhow, to the point...friendships have always been very important to me, and lots of my life has felt as though the people I label as my friends are the ones who have needed me and I've been there for. Ok, so I know this sounds like I'm being conceited and everyone needs me blah blah...but in truth I think part of my quirkiness lies in my need to be needed. So, I need friends who need me...or whatever. With my long sought out friend, it was different....she needed me, yes....and I needed to be needed, but she gave something back to me that I think I had been missing for a long time. I digress...
After we had been friends for a few years, my friend was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder and shortly thereafter found out she was pregnant. Needless to say pain medication and pregnancy do not go together, she suffered tremendously, and pushed herself way too far. Admirable to a fault....she ceased to be the friend I knew and had longed for. It's been 2 years since her baby was born...and still, she's not the same. I feel as though I've given everything I have, everything I can to try to ease her pain, to be helpful and supportive....but I've never felt that it was enough. I think it is because she still isn't better. She's changed personalities...while I have no doubt somewhere inside she is still the person that drew me to her....she fakes what she thinks people are used to seeing from her. She's no longer genuinely joyful, exuberant, sometimes it feels as though she no longer genuinely cares.
For a long time I have made excuses to myself for her. I have tried and tried and tried to drill into myself that she's sick, and she just needs to be better. It's not in my nature to give up easily. I have felt alone and sad...she no longer has any inclination as to what is going on in my life. She has gone from the person I talked to everyday for drawn out meaningful and meaningless conversations, delving into each other everyday, as though we could never tire of each other's company....to the person who I feel no longer knows me.
To be fair, she's been so sick...and I feel so selfish for being hurt because she can't spend time with me, that she seemingly doesnt care to. She has 3 kids, and these kids are her world...as they should be...and they suffered for a long time without her mother. Her mother expects her to be her friend, and helper....so it's no wonder she has no time left for me. She's recovering finally from the flare up of her disorder caused by her pushing herself to the brink...she's being a mother again, a daughter...a wife...but not my friend. Is it my fault? Did I push her away because I was protecting myself from the feeling of abandonment that I tried to reason myself out of?
During this whole time, there have been numerous times when I've bit my tongue and held back the resentful and hateful things I wanted to say to her because she was hurting me...but I cannot seem to stop them anymore. I feel like an awful person. I should be more forgiving, a bigger person than I am being...I sent her something ugly via text message the other day. All throughout her sickness, I've gone above and beyond trying to save her from discovering what she had become to me...how she had started treating me...trying to be selfless (not successfully most of the time) but at least I managed to spare her my feelings of resentment and defensiveness that so often bubbled right under the surface...until New Year's day. I will recite the convo, but not because I'm proud of it...just so you can understand.
Let me preface the convo by saying that I had texted her at least 3 times over the course of days before she responded.
Me: Happy new year!
Friend:Happy new year 2 u also!
Me: Ah, so finally you respond?
Friend: What u mean?
Me: I started texting you days ago and this is the first time u responded is what I mean.
Friend: I just looked n saw a text on the 30th, but I mustve been in bed. Me: K, and the others from before? U know it doesn't even matter y u didn't text or respond back u just didn't. Hope u had fun with your family. I'm busy atm so I'll talk 2 u later.
Friend: Im really sorry, i don't c a text from then. I was wondering but just figured u were busy.
Me: And yet you made no effort but whatever u always have some reason as 2 y u couldn't talk or didn't answer or whatever and quite frankly it feels as though u are avoiding me and I REALLY don't wanna talk about it now. Enjoy your evening.
Friend:Thats really not it! but i definately understand, n truly I am sorry. u 2, can we talk tom? if not, whenever ur ready would be great. Me: Oh but it's always something and if ur not avoiding me u sure as hell aren't going out of ur way 2 do any kind of bridge mending or to be my friend and now I'm probably saying things I shouldn't and might regret voicing...but I am unsure of what direction 2 take anymore. I will call u tomorrow.
Yes I know I sound like the worst person in the world…and she sounds like the victim…and maybe it is exactly as it sounds and I’m awful and she’s a saint. I beat myself up about that a lot. But in truth, I don’t think it’s that way. Don’t get me wrong, she is wonderful…or was…and I love her dearly, but I feel torn for the most part between feeling she is just sick and she will get better and she is my best friend….and feeling as though I’ve been used and abused for far too long.
I started out this blog by saying I’ve done something very unjessicalike…and I have, I think I’ve given up on my friend. I haven’t given up hope that she may one day return to being the friend she was before, and we can go back to life as we knew it…but I’ve given up on her for now. Apparently she needs more space and time to recover, and I need less heartache and inner struggle…maybe I will regret this decision tomorrow, maybe not.
I have a friend whom I felt was the pinultimate friend. The one I could be closest comrades with for my lifetime. I know everyone longs for the bossom friend like Anne of Green Gables, but I never thought I would have one...until I did. She is warm-hearted and loving, sincere, funny, goofy, serious, opinionated and in short the friend I had dreamed of forever. Some people find friends through hardships and going through things with another, or by sharing a common goal. My friend was found by accident! Life is funny that way :).
Anyhow, to the point...friendships have always been very important to me, and lots of my life has felt as though the people I label as my friends are the ones who have needed me and I've been there for. Ok, so I know this sounds like I'm being conceited and everyone needs me blah blah...but in truth I think part of my quirkiness lies in my need to be needed. So, I need friends who need me...or whatever. With my long sought out friend, it was different....she needed me, yes....and I needed to be needed, but she gave something back to me that I think I had been missing for a long time. I digress...
After we had been friends for a few years, my friend was diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder and shortly thereafter found out she was pregnant. Needless to say pain medication and pregnancy do not go together, she suffered tremendously, and pushed herself way too far. Admirable to a fault....she ceased to be the friend I knew and had longed for. It's been 2 years since her baby was born...and still, she's not the same. I feel as though I've given everything I have, everything I can to try to ease her pain, to be helpful and supportive....but I've never felt that it was enough. I think it is because she still isn't better. She's changed personalities...while I have no doubt somewhere inside she is still the person that drew me to her....she fakes what she thinks people are used to seeing from her. She's no longer genuinely joyful, exuberant, sometimes it feels as though she no longer genuinely cares.
For a long time I have made excuses to myself for her. I have tried and tried and tried to drill into myself that she's sick, and she just needs to be better. It's not in my nature to give up easily. I have felt alone and sad...she no longer has any inclination as to what is going on in my life. She has gone from the person I talked to everyday for drawn out meaningful and meaningless conversations, delving into each other everyday, as though we could never tire of each other's company....to the person who I feel no longer knows me.
To be fair, she's been so sick...and I feel so selfish for being hurt because she can't spend time with me, that she seemingly doesnt care to. She has 3 kids, and these kids are her world...as they should be...and they suffered for a long time without her mother. Her mother expects her to be her friend, and helper....so it's no wonder she has no time left for me. She's recovering finally from the flare up of her disorder caused by her pushing herself to the brink...she's being a mother again, a daughter...a wife...but not my friend. Is it my fault? Did I push her away because I was protecting myself from the feeling of abandonment that I tried to reason myself out of?
During this whole time, there have been numerous times when I've bit my tongue and held back the resentful and hateful things I wanted to say to her because she was hurting me...but I cannot seem to stop them anymore. I feel like an awful person. I should be more forgiving, a bigger person than I am being...I sent her something ugly via text message the other day. All throughout her sickness, I've gone above and beyond trying to save her from discovering what she had become to me...how she had started treating me...trying to be selfless (not successfully most of the time) but at least I managed to spare her my feelings of resentment and defensiveness that so often bubbled right under the surface...until New Year's day. I will recite the convo, but not because I'm proud of it...just so you can understand.
Let me preface the convo by saying that I had texted her at least 3 times over the course of days before she responded.
Me: Happy new year!
Friend:Happy new year 2 u also!
Me: Ah, so finally you respond?
Friend: What u mean?
Me: I started texting you days ago and this is the first time u responded is what I mean.
Friend: I just looked n saw a text on the 30th, but I mustve been in bed. Me: K, and the others from before? U know it doesn't even matter y u didn't text or respond back u just didn't. Hope u had fun with your family. I'm busy atm so I'll talk 2 u later.
Friend: Im really sorry, i don't c a text from then. I was wondering but just figured u were busy.
Me: And yet you made no effort but whatever u always have some reason as 2 y u couldn't talk or didn't answer or whatever and quite frankly it feels as though u are avoiding me and I REALLY don't wanna talk about it now. Enjoy your evening.
Friend:Thats really not it! but i definately understand, n truly I am sorry. u 2, can we talk tom? if not, whenever ur ready would be great. Me: Oh but it's always something and if ur not avoiding me u sure as hell aren't going out of ur way 2 do any kind of bridge mending or to be my friend and now I'm probably saying things I shouldn't and might regret voicing...but I am unsure of what direction 2 take anymore. I will call u tomorrow.
Yes I know I sound like the worst person in the world…and she sounds like the victim…and maybe it is exactly as it sounds and I’m awful and she’s a saint. I beat myself up about that a lot. But in truth, I don’t think it’s that way. Don’t get me wrong, she is wonderful…or was…and I love her dearly, but I feel torn for the most part between feeling she is just sick and she will get better and she is my best friend….and feeling as though I’ve been used and abused for far too long.
I started out this blog by saying I’ve done something very unjessicalike…and I have, I think I’ve given up on my friend. I haven’t given up hope that she may one day return to being the friend she was before, and we can go back to life as we knew it…but I’ve given up on her for now. Apparently she needs more space and time to recover, and I need less heartache and inner struggle…maybe I will regret this decision tomorrow, maybe not.
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