Back to Work

I'm traveling back to Louisiana tomorrow with Tim and D to go to work on Friday. Sooooo exciting, huh? My thoughts exactly. I really need to start looking for a job that's more stable and permenant. And I'm hoping when Tim finds one ill have an approximate salary to shoot for. My I really hope this is attainable for us! I'm praying it is and it happens just like its supposed to!
My little man has a Dr appt tomorrow. His 6 mth wellness check! I can't believe he's so big already! I thought I'd take the time to update you on some of his progress so far. At his 4 mth check up he was 13 lbs 3oz and 26 and a quarter inches long. Long skinny baby, just like his daddy! He can roll over like a pro and does so back and forth everytime you put him on the floor. He loves to play with toys and LOVES bath time! He's fairly laid back, with bouncing and rolling being his activities of choice. He has eaten everything we have given him with gusto and seems to like it all! I can hardly wait to give him the finger foods to see how he does on his own!

How Marvelous!

I can't remember the last time I cried due to a song at church. I have put up so many walls and have been running away from God for so long. This song brought me to tears because of the truthful simplicity.
I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene.
And wonder how He could love me
A sinner condemned unclean
Singing how marvelous!
How wonderful!
And my song shall ever be!
How marvelous!
How wonderful!
Is my Saviors love for me.

Random Survey I Have Acquired

What bill do you hate paying the most?
Personally, I don't enjoy paying ANY bills...

Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
We went to Olive Garden, if you can call a meal with the 3 of us romantic...if not it was Spaghetti Warehouse...lol I guess we love Italian!

What do you really want to be doing right now?
Napping

How many colleges did you attend?
3 :) But only graduated from 1

Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
Because it's the only longsleeved one I have!

What are your thoughts on gas prices?
It's okay...high gas prices help keep me employed! It's like $2.58 here atm

First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Do I have to get up now? Or can I press snooze?

Last thought before going to sleep last night?
I should hurry and get as much sleep I have! Morning comes early!

Do you miss being a child?
No, I like my life :)

What errand/chore do you despise
I hate dishes :(

Get up early or sleep in?
SLEEP IN!

Have you found real love yet?
Absolutely

Favorite lunch meat?
Roast beef or turkey

What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
Something for Dylan :) He's spoiled!

Beach or lake?
Lake :)

Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
NOt at all, it's a wonderful show of the commitment for yourself and for others. :)

Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
What not to wear!

What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Someone from Charmed! I love that show!

Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
No and I would like to keep it that way.

Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No and I am grateful :)

Ring tone?
It's by Atreyu Ex's and Oh's

Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
My car :D

Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
I suppose San Francisco :) I'm going in March!

Do you go to church?
unfortunately not atm, but I would LOVE to change that

At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Career..I want to be able to work 9-5 and be home on weekends, and not have work come home with me...that would be GREAT!

How old are you?
28

Do you have a go to person?
um?

Are you where you want to be in life?
I am happy, but I have things I'd like to change and goals I'd like to achieve :)

Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?
Carebears, Strawberry Shortcake & Rainbow Brite

What about you do you think has changed the most?
since I was little? Hopefully a lot, I hope to continue to learn and grow forever :)

Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?
I loved high school, but I love now :)

Are there times u still feel like a kid?
yes :) when I see fireworks, or open presents, or eat my favorite ice cream etc

Did you ever own troll dolls?
not a large one, but I had a pencil topper that I won at school

Did you have a pager?
Yes, I actually did! It was maroon :)

Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager?
I did a lot of extracurricular activities so wherever they took me :) and Church!.

Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?
I think I was a good kid, so yes

Who do you think impacted your life the most?
My parents....some good some bad

Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out to you?
I loved my senior year english teacher, he was my absolute favorite...Mr. Manuel!

Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?
yes...makes me feel so old!

No, I'm not perfect

Looking back over some of the things I blogged this year, I have gone through some really angry and lonely periods in my life. I made a lot of mistakes, and figured out that I don't have all the answers, and I am going to mess up....a lot. I have always prided myself on my ability to know what I am feeling and being able to convey that to other people. But the first problem with that is my pride, that's one of the first things that I have had to eat a lot of lately. Humility is an uncomfortable thing. It's helpless and sometimes lonely, it's embarrassing and vulnerable. I don't like humility, part of my pride speaking again, I am sure...but you sure do learn from it. I am not claiming to have life figured out, or even myself completely but I'm finally willing to get dirty and accept my faults. That was a huge undertaking for me, and it's been a long time coming. Being pregnant, and having all these emotions you don't know where they came from or what to do with also brought out in me emotions I had been unwilling to face for a while. I am kind of enjoying myself now, I feel better, and the stress I put on myself to be perfect I still struggle with from time to time, but I am trying to forgive myself and let myself be human. So I am glad to say, no, I am not perfect and I'm finally okay with that.

New Beginnings

So it's been about 5 weeks since I published anything. Those 5 weeks have been action packed, and uneventful if that makes any sense. There can now be said there is Life pre db and post db (pre and post Dylan's birth). Life is great, he is great! He is growing so quickly and developing quite a personality it's amazing to get to spend any amount of time with him during the day, and I find that the times he takes long naps I miss holding him. I'm hooked, let me tell ya! And who wouldn't be? Just look at him!

Very soon I will go back to work, and I dread and look forward to it. I look forward to the adult interaction and I dread not being able to see the little things in his life. I want to be there to see everything and be an adult with a job. Maybe one day I'll find a happy medium and be both. I hope Dylan doesn't suffer in the process. I don't think he will, I love him so much I hope to show him that everyday.

Dylan Has Arrived!

Me before the whole thing started :)

I went in for my scheduled induction on Sunday evening, September 27th. They started me on some kind of pill that was supposed to soften my cervix, and start some contractions. They also gave me an ambien for sleeping, which turned out to not be the best idea ever. I was so sleepy, and my blood pressure was a concern so I got confined to the bed which makes labor pains harder to bear I'm told. At about 7am they started the pitossin and at about 9am the doctor broke my water. That's when the real pains of lab or began. I was still having a problem staying awake because of the ambien, and being jolted awake by contractions. I was probably not pleasant, props for Tim for sticking it out and being wonderful.
At about 10am I got an epidural, for a couple of reasons. 1st cause the pains of labor while you are half asleep are just hard to undertake, 2nd I was really afraid of having to have an emergency c-section because of my bloodpressure and have to be put to sleep which scares me more than anything. Anyhow, shortly after that there was a scare cause Dylan's heart rate would drop everytime I contracted, so the doctor came in to float the umbilical cord. She was surprised, as was everyone else, that I was much further dialated than anticipated. I was 7cm at this point, just a few hours after my water was broken. The doctor came back about an hour and a half later, and then there were 3 pushes and Dylan Joseph came into the world! He was 6lbs 13oz, 20 inches long born on Sept 28, 2009 at 12:29pm.
Here he is!

Our beautiful baby boy

Hurt

Why is it that my sister can do no wrong ever? ‘Don’t ever talk to me again.’ Childish words that hurt tremendously. Random and uncalled for from my perspective, if I had not born witness to the fact that my dad was constantly slipping out of the room talking on the phone to my middle sister. I hadn’t talked to her in days, and I really didn’t understand exactly what this was all about. Apparently, her fiancé being diagnosed with swine flu and my not wanting to have anything to do with him until he was completely in the clear is cause enough for her to say whatever hurtful thing she wanted to me.
After the comment, I said to my dad…Joelle just said don’t ever talk to me again. This caused more slipping out of the room for secret discussions in which I’m sure he told her how emotional I am, and how she had every right to be angry and all I was being was paranoid, but he was humoring me so I wouldn’t fly off the handle. But I wouldn’t know, he didn’t tell me. Then I got ‘If u have a problem with me talk to me. Stop talking behind my back like a child. Remember, u r supposed to be the mom.’ Let me pause to say, to the first text message I didn’t respond to her at all. I didn’t know what to say, I had no idea what really brought it on. Surely, my not wanting to contract swine flu wouldn’t make someone hate me so much. To the second text what I REALLY wanted to say was ‘Yeah, well you’re an adult but that has never guaranteed you would act like an adult, now has it?’ but what I actually said was ‘What are you talking about? U r the one getting upset at me for no reason.’ I really was trying to be nice and understanding even though I thought she was being completely irrational and selfish and quite frankly a bitch of gigantic proportions.
Then I got ‘I never want to talk to you again. But leave dad alone.’ Let me again remind you that I haven’t actually talked to my dad about ANYTHING, or talked to my sister about anything. So the person actually not being an adult and talking behind someone’s back was her. To which I told my dad exactly how I felt. I felt alone and unsupported. He was giving me every excuse in the book for why she was behaving this way, and why it was OK for her to be hurtful. Perhaps I was a little harsh, but my response was, I don’t care if all she does for fun is come over here, it is no excuse to be this way to anyone. She has given me virtually nothing but grief for the past 7 months. She feels she has a personal vendetta against me and I am stealing her limelight in some way. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure my MARRIAGE isn’t that big of a deal or my FIRST CHILD isn’t that big of a deal so she doesn’t feel like I am trying to steal her thunder. It’s hurtful to me that I can bend over backwards to make the situation better, but not only that...I am expected to bend over backwards, where she can be as hurtful and childish and hateful as she wants and she gets coddled and her behavior gets excused.
One of the excuses my father gave me as to why she is acting this way is jealousy. I have thought about it for hours and cried myself to sleep over it earlier this morning, and I have decided that that reasoning is completely and utterly flawed. Let’s compare reasons why I should be jealous instead of my sister, and maybe I am jealous a little bit. My parents completely and totally accepted her fiancé and her want to marry him. My fiancé and now husband has had to fight tooth and nail to get any kind of respect from my father. They support their marriage to the point where they are paying for most, if not all, of it. I got taken out to dinner as my wedding present; they spent a whole 50 bucks on my fiancé and me. I didn’t get as much as a baby shower or formal baby present from my parents. In fact, I got about 60 dollars (maybe) worth of clothes, and my mother is talking about spending tons on my sisters wedding and then wedding present. I was supposed to have a baby shower that my mom was going to throw, but now I get nothing from them. I have been treated like a leper for the past 7 months, with no one getting even remotely excited about my impending birth of my baby, or showing any concern with what I have to go through or making me feel supported in ANY way. My sister, on the other hand, comes over every weekend and gets the royal treatment including dinner and games and whatever else she wants from my parents.
After I told my father at length how I felt, he made me feel like I was just being overly emotional and I needed to excuse her behavior, and that it wasn’t ok for me to be upset, but it was more than ok for her to throw a royal hissy fit. After all was said and done, he jumped at the chance to go and spend 4 hours with her at a restaurant watching a football game, making me feel like I would be stupid to not expect him to go because she cried. Hell, I cried and it did me absolutely no good. I have been crying off and on since about five o’clock this evening, including crying myself to sleep about 2:30am then waking up and crying again. It’s NOT ok to me for her to be rewarded for being the way she has been. It is NOT ok for me to feel like nothing I do is good enough, but all of her behavior is excusable. It is NOT ok for the person that screams the loudest to get the most attention if they’re not right.
I want to leave. In fact, yesterday I told my dad that if he wanted them to come over so much, I would just leave. He said no, of course, but his actions said otherwise. Today I am going to tell him how and why I feel like the only thing I can do is leave. He did exactly what I said he was doing. He claims to not have sides, but he clearly has one, and it’s not mine. I am tired of feeling alone in this family. Is it worth it? I thought it was at one point, but I don’t know if I can say it anymore. I have been treated like crap by my sister for way too long. I have been made to feel less important than her by my father for way too long. She wouldn’t have ever stood for her fiancé getting treated the way my husband is by my father. So he wouldn’t have done it to him. This thing last night was just confirmation of what I already knew, and didn’t want to face. Nothing I ever do will be good enough for him, or make anything I do excusable to anyone else. I am done with it all at the moment. I need to get away from here.