Hurt

Why is it that my sister can do no wrong ever? ‘Don’t ever talk to me again.’ Childish words that hurt tremendously. Random and uncalled for from my perspective, if I had not born witness to the fact that my dad was constantly slipping out of the room talking on the phone to my middle sister. I hadn’t talked to her in days, and I really didn’t understand exactly what this was all about. Apparently, her fiancé being diagnosed with swine flu and my not wanting to have anything to do with him until he was completely in the clear is cause enough for her to say whatever hurtful thing she wanted to me.
After the comment, I said to my dad…Joelle just said don’t ever talk to me again. This caused more slipping out of the room for secret discussions in which I’m sure he told her how emotional I am, and how she had every right to be angry and all I was being was paranoid, but he was humoring me so I wouldn’t fly off the handle. But I wouldn’t know, he didn’t tell me. Then I got ‘If u have a problem with me talk to me. Stop talking behind my back like a child. Remember, u r supposed to be the mom.’ Let me pause to say, to the first text message I didn’t respond to her at all. I didn’t know what to say, I had no idea what really brought it on. Surely, my not wanting to contract swine flu wouldn’t make someone hate me so much. To the second text what I REALLY wanted to say was ‘Yeah, well you’re an adult but that has never guaranteed you would act like an adult, now has it?’ but what I actually said was ‘What are you talking about? U r the one getting upset at me for no reason.’ I really was trying to be nice and understanding even though I thought she was being completely irrational and selfish and quite frankly a bitch of gigantic proportions.
Then I got ‘I never want to talk to you again. But leave dad alone.’ Let me again remind you that I haven’t actually talked to my dad about ANYTHING, or talked to my sister about anything. So the person actually not being an adult and talking behind someone’s back was her. To which I told my dad exactly how I felt. I felt alone and unsupported. He was giving me every excuse in the book for why she was behaving this way, and why it was OK for her to be hurtful. Perhaps I was a little harsh, but my response was, I don’t care if all she does for fun is come over here, it is no excuse to be this way to anyone. She has given me virtually nothing but grief for the past 7 months. She feels she has a personal vendetta against me and I am stealing her limelight in some way. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure my MARRIAGE isn’t that big of a deal or my FIRST CHILD isn’t that big of a deal so she doesn’t feel like I am trying to steal her thunder. It’s hurtful to me that I can bend over backwards to make the situation better, but not only that...I am expected to bend over backwards, where she can be as hurtful and childish and hateful as she wants and she gets coddled and her behavior gets excused.
One of the excuses my father gave me as to why she is acting this way is jealousy. I have thought about it for hours and cried myself to sleep over it earlier this morning, and I have decided that that reasoning is completely and utterly flawed. Let’s compare reasons why I should be jealous instead of my sister, and maybe I am jealous a little bit. My parents completely and totally accepted her fiancé and her want to marry him. My fiancé and now husband has had to fight tooth and nail to get any kind of respect from my father. They support their marriage to the point where they are paying for most, if not all, of it. I got taken out to dinner as my wedding present; they spent a whole 50 bucks on my fiancé and me. I didn’t get as much as a baby shower or formal baby present from my parents. In fact, I got about 60 dollars (maybe) worth of clothes, and my mother is talking about spending tons on my sisters wedding and then wedding present. I was supposed to have a baby shower that my mom was going to throw, but now I get nothing from them. I have been treated like a leper for the past 7 months, with no one getting even remotely excited about my impending birth of my baby, or showing any concern with what I have to go through or making me feel supported in ANY way. My sister, on the other hand, comes over every weekend and gets the royal treatment including dinner and games and whatever else she wants from my parents.
After I told my father at length how I felt, he made me feel like I was just being overly emotional and I needed to excuse her behavior, and that it wasn’t ok for me to be upset, but it was more than ok for her to throw a royal hissy fit. After all was said and done, he jumped at the chance to go and spend 4 hours with her at a restaurant watching a football game, making me feel like I would be stupid to not expect him to go because she cried. Hell, I cried and it did me absolutely no good. I have been crying off and on since about five o’clock this evening, including crying myself to sleep about 2:30am then waking up and crying again. It’s NOT ok to me for her to be rewarded for being the way she has been. It is NOT ok for me to feel like nothing I do is good enough, but all of her behavior is excusable. It is NOT ok for the person that screams the loudest to get the most attention if they’re not right.
I want to leave. In fact, yesterday I told my dad that if he wanted them to come over so much, I would just leave. He said no, of course, but his actions said otherwise. Today I am going to tell him how and why I feel like the only thing I can do is leave. He did exactly what I said he was doing. He claims to not have sides, but he clearly has one, and it’s not mine. I am tired of feeling alone in this family. Is it worth it? I thought it was at one point, but I don’t know if I can say it anymore. I have been treated like crap by my sister for way too long. I have been made to feel less important than her by my father for way too long. She wouldn’t have ever stood for her fiancé getting treated the way my husband is by my father. So he wouldn’t have done it to him. This thing last night was just confirmation of what I already knew, and didn’t want to face. Nothing I ever do will be good enough for him, or make anything I do excusable to anyone else. I am done with it all at the moment. I need to get away from here.