Life is full of oddities. My Aunt Connie died about 2 weeks ago. I did not feel compelled to go to her funeral. Perhaps that is calloused, but it doesn't really matter to me. I liked her, she was nice and vivacious, but to be truthful she was a bit too much for me. A little too loud, a little too intrusive. I was saddened by her death, mostly for my father and her husband, but I was not overtly moved one way or the other. I thought something was wrong with me, and perhaps there is - but I cannot identify it, so I must move on.
My sister's father in law passed away on Thursday of this past week. This made me sad as well, but sadder than my aunt's passing. I didn't know the man - in fact I had seen him twice ever, but it was much more sudden, and he was so much younger. I don't know if these were the reasons that made me more sad, but these are the facts. I went to his funeral, a funeral of a man I didn't know. I did it because my sister and brother in law were there facing this loss, and I needed to go. I cried at this funeral of a man I didn't know, not for him - but for those he left behind. For my brother in law that now has no father, for my sister trying to support him through this time. Funerals aren't for the dead - they're for the living. I have said this countless times, and it rings true still today. I went to a funeral of a man I barely knew, and cried for the loss of him in my loved ones lives. Perhaps I am not so weird after all? Perhaps that is wishful thinking.
Showing posts with label Sad Days. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sad Days. Show all posts
Monday, August 22, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sad Remembering
Today I was reminded of a time in my life that I haven't thought of in a very long time. I was only 8 years old, but I remember the day clearly, and because it's on my mind now, you get to read about it :).
I was at my Grandma's house, because that's where I went everyday after school. I was outside playing with a friend that lived around the corner (her name was Brianna). We had a lot of fun together, as we often did, and as per usual her sister came to get her to come home. Except this day her sister, who was in Jr. High I believe, was crying. She was almost in hysterics. I didn't understand why or the severity of what her words meant then, and probably didn't for a long while afterwards. In fact, even today it touched new heartstrings and made me think of things I hadn't before.
All she said was "There was an accident, and I don't know what happened to some of my friends."
Now, in the days after this we had an assembly at school, and moments of silence in remembrance. There was a huge memorial service.
21 children died due to that 'accident'.
A Dr. Pepper truck ran a stop sign and hit a school bus, that went into a caliche pit, submerged in water. 18 children died the day of the accident, and 3 more followed behind.
Thinking about this accident makes me so incredibly sad, thinking about the distress all these parents of these children went through...waiting to see if their children were one of the ones who died...the agony they felt when they were told they would never see them grow up. It's awful.
Then I think about a song I had heard not so long after one of the anniversaries of this accident. It is kinda hokey sounding and not exactly directly correlated, but the message was comforting. It made me remember my faith, and how we are always held in HIS hands. That in everything we have gone through and have yet to experience we have a guiding light, a stronghold if we accept it. The song has always been close to my heart, not just because of this particular tragedy...but that's another story for another time. Here it is.
This whole thing just to say,
I remember.
I was at my Grandma's house, because that's where I went everyday after school. I was outside playing with a friend that lived around the corner (her name was Brianna). We had a lot of fun together, as we often did, and as per usual her sister came to get her to come home. Except this day her sister, who was in Jr. High I believe, was crying. She was almost in hysterics. I didn't understand why or the severity of what her words meant then, and probably didn't for a long while afterwards. In fact, even today it touched new heartstrings and made me think of things I hadn't before.
All she said was "There was an accident, and I don't know what happened to some of my friends."
Now, in the days after this we had an assembly at school, and moments of silence in remembrance. There was a huge memorial service.
21 children died due to that 'accident'.
A Dr. Pepper truck ran a stop sign and hit a school bus, that went into a caliche pit, submerged in water. 18 children died the day of the accident, and 3 more followed behind.
Thinking about this accident makes me so incredibly sad, thinking about the distress all these parents of these children went through...waiting to see if their children were one of the ones who died...the agony they felt when they were told they would never see them grow up. It's awful.
Then I think about a song I had heard not so long after one of the anniversaries of this accident. It is kinda hokey sounding and not exactly directly correlated, but the message was comforting. It made me remember my faith, and how we are always held in HIS hands. That in everything we have gone through and have yet to experience we have a guiding light, a stronghold if we accept it. The song has always been close to my heart, not just because of this particular tragedy...but that's another story for another time. Here it is.
This whole thing just to say,
I remember.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
ChaChaChaChanges
Wow, it has been a long road to this one. At least it feels like it has, but I am so glad I am on it now. A little over a month ago my job took me (I am still here by the way) to North Dakota. Man I have never experienced cold like this before IN MY LIFE. I now have a new perspective for cold. I also had a lot of alone time (that I didn't want) as my family stayed in Oklahoma, because they weren't allowed to stay in camp here with me in ND. I have cried, felt alone, and become stronger. I may not enjoy ND as a state, because heaven help me I hate snow, but I have learned a lot about myself and my priorities.
For a long while I have wanted to get out of the traveling end of my profession, and find something in my industry that keeps me in one place and allows me to set down roots. I have made attempts to that end, but being in ND has really motivated me to make this a reality. I don't want to spend another month and a half without my family. It hurts to miss these times in my baby's life. I have applied at more places than I can even remember, and have had some small victories. I have 1 definite interview while I am on break, and 1 other possible one. I am hoping that something pans out, but because I have made it through ND I know I can make it through if it doesn't. Meanwhile though, I am praying my time in ND and being alone and traveling is coming to an end. I get to see Tim on Saturday, and Dylan a couple days later as Tim and I are driving down to Oklahoma.
For a long while I have wanted to get out of the traveling end of my profession, and find something in my industry that keeps me in one place and allows me to set down roots. I have made attempts to that end, but being in ND has really motivated me to make this a reality. I don't want to spend another month and a half without my family. It hurts to miss these times in my baby's life. I have applied at more places than I can even remember, and have had some small victories. I have 1 definite interview while I am on break, and 1 other possible one. I am hoping that something pans out, but because I have made it through ND I know I can make it through if it doesn't. Meanwhile though, I am praying my time in ND and being alone and traveling is coming to an end. I get to see Tim on Saturday, and Dylan a couple days later as Tim and I are driving down to Oklahoma.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Hurt
Why is it that my sister can do no wrong ever? ‘Don’t ever talk to me again.’ Childish words that hurt tremendously. Random and uncalled for from my perspective, if I had not born witness to the fact that my dad was constantly slipping out of the room talking on the phone to my middle sister. I hadn’t talked to her in days, and I really didn’t understand exactly what this was all about. Apparently, her fiancé being diagnosed with swine flu and my not wanting to have anything to do with him until he was completely in the clear is cause enough for her to say whatever hurtful thing she wanted to me.
After the comment, I said to my dad…Joelle just said don’t ever talk to me again. This caused more slipping out of the room for secret discussions in which I’m sure he told her how emotional I am, and how she had every right to be angry and all I was being was paranoid, but he was humoring me so I wouldn’t fly off the handle. But I wouldn’t know, he didn’t tell me. Then I got ‘If u have a problem with me talk to me. Stop talking behind my back like a child. Remember, u r supposed to be the mom.’ Let me pause to say, to the first text message I didn’t respond to her at all. I didn’t know what to say, I had no idea what really brought it on. Surely, my not wanting to contract swine flu wouldn’t make someone hate me so much. To the second text what I REALLY wanted to say was ‘Yeah, well you’re an adult but that has never guaranteed you would act like an adult, now has it?’ but what I actually said was ‘What are you talking about? U r the one getting upset at me for no reason.’ I really was trying to be nice and understanding even though I thought she was being completely irrational and selfish and quite frankly a bitch of gigantic proportions.
Then I got ‘I never want to talk to you again. But leave dad alone.’ Let me again remind you that I haven’t actually talked to my dad about ANYTHING, or talked to my sister about anything. So the person actually not being an adult and talking behind someone’s back was her. To which I told my dad exactly how I felt. I felt alone and unsupported. He was giving me every excuse in the book for why she was behaving this way, and why it was OK for her to be hurtful. Perhaps I was a little harsh, but my response was, I don’t care if all she does for fun is come over here, it is no excuse to be this way to anyone. She has given me virtually nothing but grief for the past 7 months. She feels she has a personal vendetta against me and I am stealing her limelight in some way. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure my MARRIAGE isn’t that big of a deal or my FIRST CHILD isn’t that big of a deal so she doesn’t feel like I am trying to steal her thunder. It’s hurtful to me that I can bend over backwards to make the situation better, but not only that...I am expected to bend over backwards, where she can be as hurtful and childish and hateful as she wants and she gets coddled and her behavior gets excused.
One of the excuses my father gave me as to why she is acting this way is jealousy. I have thought about it for hours and cried myself to sleep over it earlier this morning, and I have decided that that reasoning is completely and utterly flawed. Let’s compare reasons why I should be jealous instead of my sister, and maybe I am jealous a little bit. My parents completely and totally accepted her fiancé and her want to marry him. My fiancé and now husband has had to fight tooth and nail to get any kind of respect from my father. They support their marriage to the point where they are paying for most, if not all, of it. I got taken out to dinner as my wedding present; they spent a whole 50 bucks on my fiancé and me. I didn’t get as much as a baby shower or formal baby present from my parents. In fact, I got about 60 dollars (maybe) worth of clothes, and my mother is talking about spending tons on my sisters wedding and then wedding present. I was supposed to have a baby shower that my mom was going to throw, but now I get nothing from them. I have been treated like a leper for the past 7 months, with no one getting even remotely excited about my impending birth of my baby, or showing any concern with what I have to go through or making me feel supported in ANY way. My sister, on the other hand, comes over every weekend and gets the royal treatment including dinner and games and whatever else she wants from my parents.
After I told my father at length how I felt, he made me feel like I was just being overly emotional and I needed to excuse her behavior, and that it wasn’t ok for me to be upset, but it was more than ok for her to throw a royal hissy fit. After all was said and done, he jumped at the chance to go and spend 4 hours with her at a restaurant watching a football game, making me feel like I would be stupid to not expect him to go because she cried. Hell, I cried and it did me absolutely no good. I have been crying off and on since about five o’clock this evening, including crying myself to sleep about 2:30am then waking up and crying again. It’s NOT ok to me for her to be rewarded for being the way she has been. It is NOT ok for me to feel like nothing I do is good enough, but all of her behavior is excusable. It is NOT ok for the person that screams the loudest to get the most attention if they’re not right.
I want to leave. In fact, yesterday I told my dad that if he wanted them to come over so much, I would just leave. He said no, of course, but his actions said otherwise. Today I am going to tell him how and why I feel like the only thing I can do is leave. He did exactly what I said he was doing. He claims to not have sides, but he clearly has one, and it’s not mine. I am tired of feeling alone in this family. Is it worth it? I thought it was at one point, but I don’t know if I can say it anymore. I have been treated like crap by my sister for way too long. I have been made to feel less important than her by my father for way too long. She wouldn’t have ever stood for her fiancé getting treated the way my husband is by my father. So he wouldn’t have done it to him. This thing last night was just confirmation of what I already knew, and didn’t want to face. Nothing I ever do will be good enough for him, or make anything I do excusable to anyone else. I am done with it all at the moment. I need to get away from here.
After the comment, I said to my dad…Joelle just said don’t ever talk to me again. This caused more slipping out of the room for secret discussions in which I’m sure he told her how emotional I am, and how she had every right to be angry and all I was being was paranoid, but he was humoring me so I wouldn’t fly off the handle. But I wouldn’t know, he didn’t tell me. Then I got ‘If u have a problem with me talk to me. Stop talking behind my back like a child. Remember, u r supposed to be the mom.’ Let me pause to say, to the first text message I didn’t respond to her at all. I didn’t know what to say, I had no idea what really brought it on. Surely, my not wanting to contract swine flu wouldn’t make someone hate me so much. To the second text what I REALLY wanted to say was ‘Yeah, well you’re an adult but that has never guaranteed you would act like an adult, now has it?’ but what I actually said was ‘What are you talking about? U r the one getting upset at me for no reason.’ I really was trying to be nice and understanding even though I thought she was being completely irrational and selfish and quite frankly a bitch of gigantic proportions.
Then I got ‘I never want to talk to you again. But leave dad alone.’ Let me again remind you that I haven’t actually talked to my dad about ANYTHING, or talked to my sister about anything. So the person actually not being an adult and talking behind someone’s back was her. To which I told my dad exactly how I felt. I felt alone and unsupported. He was giving me every excuse in the book for why she was behaving this way, and why it was OK for her to be hurtful. Perhaps I was a little harsh, but my response was, I don’t care if all she does for fun is come over here, it is no excuse to be this way to anyone. She has given me virtually nothing but grief for the past 7 months. She feels she has a personal vendetta against me and I am stealing her limelight in some way. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make sure my MARRIAGE isn’t that big of a deal or my FIRST CHILD isn’t that big of a deal so she doesn’t feel like I am trying to steal her thunder. It’s hurtful to me that I can bend over backwards to make the situation better, but not only that...I am expected to bend over backwards, where she can be as hurtful and childish and hateful as she wants and she gets coddled and her behavior gets excused.
One of the excuses my father gave me as to why she is acting this way is jealousy. I have thought about it for hours and cried myself to sleep over it earlier this morning, and I have decided that that reasoning is completely and utterly flawed. Let’s compare reasons why I should be jealous instead of my sister, and maybe I am jealous a little bit. My parents completely and totally accepted her fiancé and her want to marry him. My fiancé and now husband has had to fight tooth and nail to get any kind of respect from my father. They support their marriage to the point where they are paying for most, if not all, of it. I got taken out to dinner as my wedding present; they spent a whole 50 bucks on my fiancé and me. I didn’t get as much as a baby shower or formal baby present from my parents. In fact, I got about 60 dollars (maybe) worth of clothes, and my mother is talking about spending tons on my sisters wedding and then wedding present. I was supposed to have a baby shower that my mom was going to throw, but now I get nothing from them. I have been treated like a leper for the past 7 months, with no one getting even remotely excited about my impending birth of my baby, or showing any concern with what I have to go through or making me feel supported in ANY way. My sister, on the other hand, comes over every weekend and gets the royal treatment including dinner and games and whatever else she wants from my parents.
After I told my father at length how I felt, he made me feel like I was just being overly emotional and I needed to excuse her behavior, and that it wasn’t ok for me to be upset, but it was more than ok for her to throw a royal hissy fit. After all was said and done, he jumped at the chance to go and spend 4 hours with her at a restaurant watching a football game, making me feel like I would be stupid to not expect him to go because she cried. Hell, I cried and it did me absolutely no good. I have been crying off and on since about five o’clock this evening, including crying myself to sleep about 2:30am then waking up and crying again. It’s NOT ok to me for her to be rewarded for being the way she has been. It is NOT ok for me to feel like nothing I do is good enough, but all of her behavior is excusable. It is NOT ok for the person that screams the loudest to get the most attention if they’re not right.
I want to leave. In fact, yesterday I told my dad that if he wanted them to come over so much, I would just leave. He said no, of course, but his actions said otherwise. Today I am going to tell him how and why I feel like the only thing I can do is leave. He did exactly what I said he was doing. He claims to not have sides, but he clearly has one, and it’s not mine. I am tired of feeling alone in this family. Is it worth it? I thought it was at one point, but I don’t know if I can say it anymore. I have been treated like crap by my sister for way too long. I have been made to feel less important than her by my father for way too long. She wouldn’t have ever stood for her fiancé getting treated the way my husband is by my father. So he wouldn’t have done it to him. This thing last night was just confirmation of what I already knew, and didn’t want to face. Nothing I ever do will be good enough for him, or make anything I do excusable to anyone else. I am done with it all at the moment. I need to get away from here.
Friday, May 29, 2009
So Tired
You know, it has not been my best year ever. Definitely not the most exciting one. I feel like I am alienated by everyone and everything that I have ever known and loved, and I'm out on my own. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling alone and unsupported. Tim loves me and he supports me, but my family would rather me not even be in the picture the way it feels. They would rather celebrate things without me, and just get on without me.
Maybe I'm beibng overly sensitive, or have some kind of pregnancy hormones going on, who knows? All i know is how I feel right now. And I feel like my family could care less whether I was here or not and whether or not I am thriving or dying. They have moved on without me they don't need me. And I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, but I don't know how to move on. I fail.
Maybe I'm beibng overly sensitive, or have some kind of pregnancy hormones going on, who knows? All i know is how I feel right now. And I feel like my family could care less whether I was here or not and whether or not I am thriving or dying. They have moved on without me they don't need me. And I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, but I don't know how to move on. I fail.
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