Shopping and The Used To Be Friend

So, I want to go shopping. And for the first time since we have lived in Katy (yes I know it hasn't been that long...but money and the strain of not having enough has been a burden Tim and I have carried since before Dylan was born) I can actually go shopping and buy some stuff for myself. Ok, maybe not today, but because I sold my stock (that makes me feel so grown up and important to say) we have enough and some left over for some new clothes!
I am thinking some fun new flats are in order, and some jeans. :) AND tax free weekend is just around the corner! YAY! Ok, I'm done being excited about going shopping.
I know I have wrote on here before in years past about my friend that is not my friend, and is sick. That is confusing yes? Well, ok, here's the deal. I used to have a best friend, and she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which sucked, but we were still fine and I was determined to be a rock for her. Then she got pregnant, had a baby, pushed herself too far, and pushed everyone away...including me. I stuck it out, knowing that one day my friend would be back...but here it is almost 6 years later...and she's still not back. Because I need closure, and maybe I have this affinity to get the last word in? I don't know...anyhow, I emailed her. She never has time enough to actually talk to me on the phone anymore, and I just wanted to get something off my chest and then move on. It's almost as if I needed physical closure, to be able to actually see the words to let go. I have talked about letting go...I have screamed and cried and been angry, but I have never actually done it. I guess part of me wanted her to tell me she wanted to be my friend again, and the majority of myself didn't want to lose what we used to have.
But somehow I have grown up in the past couple of years. I have gotten married, I have had a baby, I have come face to face with my shortcomings and mistakes, and admitted I wasn't big enough to take them on. I feel like I'm different, and I don't need her anymore. That may sound petty, but I used to need her. She was like a security blanket for me, and I held on to that and depended on it way too much.
So anyhow, I emailed her, and YES I'm going to post the whole email here...incase you were wondering. I included with it an email she wrote me, that I had saved. That email she wrote me was years ago, when she was at the bottom of the bottom. She hurt my feelings, she pushed me away, she called me shitty pretty much. I included it so she could remember what we had been through together, and so she knew when I felt like our relationship was forever changed. The message of the email I wrote was 'So you remember, and good luck':
You wrote me this email when you were sick years ago - I still feel like our friendship isn't where it was and you have never gone back to being my friend (this was when hope was a little over a year old) - I don't know if will ever be. The more I think about it - the more I feel like I walked away from our friendship, because I was tired of being hurt. Not given up, just shut it out for a while. You aren't my friend. Not like you used to be. You aren't the person I want to tell everything to anymore, you're not the person who tells me everything. You aren't the person that knows me best - if you even know me at all anymore. I know your life is always full of drama, and you always have some excuse for not talking to me - just know I don't care to hear the excuses anymore, I want action. Perhaps one day when you have time for me, we can be friends like we were before - but if not, it's ok. I don't even know why I'm bothering to tell you anything - it never seems to change anything anyhow - AND to be completely honest, I don't know if I care if it does or not. Good luck with your family and your new baby on the way. Wishing you health and happiness.
Ok, so rereading that, maybe it isn't as much 'closure' as I thought, but I felt it. Like I was finally closing that chapter in my life. Like it didn't matter if she called me back today or in a week, or ever at all. Writing that email was cathartic for me, and it helped me say goodbye, I am not bitter that our friendship didn't work out - I understand people can grow apart and go different ways, good luck. Do you think I conveyed that?
Regardless, I feel that I am in a better place, and if she called me tomorrow, I would talk to her...but it wouldn't be like it used to be, and I wouldn't expect that from her either anymore. I am not shutting her out of my life, I am just no longer reaching out continuously. I think I have learned a lot about myself the past couple of years, and one of the things I've learned, is that I can live without her - more than live, and everything will be just fine.