Dreaded

I have been delaying this post for several reasons. I am dreading what it will make me look like, and I am dreading people's reaction to it. Part of me wants to protect myself and save myself the vulnerable feeling that will inevitably follow me posting this publicly, but I have been putting it off long enough. I have thought about posting other things, but I think until I post this, I will be unable to move on in my semi-regular blogging adventure. I sound kinda melodramatic...and for this I apologize, I suppose I'm just trying to postpone as long as possible!

This is Kaylie Joy Pistole. She was born November, 10 2011 at 9:54pm weighing 5lbs 14oz and being 17.25 inches long and died on January 9, 2012. She was about 6 wks premature, and had to stay in the hospital for a week before she could be brought home. She was loved, and her loss is felt trememndously. She is survived by her 3 older siblings, Katlyn, Faith & Hope. Her passing has unleashed a whirlwind of emotion and much more tangible loss and chaos.

Her mom was/is (not sure how to define this, because it's just been a rough walk for us both) my best friend. I was deeply saddened by the loss of Kaylie's short life, and the emotions that would wreak havock on my friend, no matter how tumultuous our relationship. I feel guilty for not being able to be a more real part of this grieving process because I am located 3 hrs away. I feel guilty because I have only seen her once since Kaylie's passing, and did not attend the funeral/memorial/wake. And I feel guilty because I feel like Kaylie's passing is my friend's fault.

Let me back up, I do not think she's a bad mother, nor do I believe that she did anything malicious to harm her baby. I simply think she should have known better. She should have known better than to put an 8wk old baby to sleep on her stomach. She should have known better than to put a pillow in the baby's bassinet. It's an incredibly sad state of events, and I am so sorry it happened at all, and I am feeling incredibly guilty about my opinions/beliefs about the whole situation.

I feel like I cannot call my friend and talk to her without having awkward silences when she brings up anything to do with the baby's death. I don't want to tell her, and I don't think I SHOULD tell her my thoughts/opinions. What I really want is for that thought/opinion to go away. I want to convey that it's not her fault - but I can't bring myself to do it. All I can do is love her anyway at this point.

"Some moments last a lifetime, but sometimes moments are a lifetime."