Dreaded

I have been delaying this post for several reasons. I am dreading what it will make me look like, and I am dreading people's reaction to it. Part of me wants to protect myself and save myself the vulnerable feeling that will inevitably follow me posting this publicly, but I have been putting it off long enough. I have thought about posting other things, but I think until I post this, I will be unable to move on in my semi-regular blogging adventure. I sound kinda melodramatic...and for this I apologize, I suppose I'm just trying to postpone as long as possible!

This is Kaylie Joy Pistole. She was born November, 10 2011 at 9:54pm weighing 5lbs 14oz and being 17.25 inches long and died on January 9, 2012. She was about 6 wks premature, and had to stay in the hospital for a week before she could be brought home. She was loved, and her loss is felt trememndously. She is survived by her 3 older siblings, Katlyn, Faith & Hope. Her passing has unleashed a whirlwind of emotion and much more tangible loss and chaos.

Her mom was/is (not sure how to define this, because it's just been a rough walk for us both) my best friend. I was deeply saddened by the loss of Kaylie's short life, and the emotions that would wreak havock on my friend, no matter how tumultuous our relationship. I feel guilty for not being able to be a more real part of this grieving process because I am located 3 hrs away. I feel guilty because I have only seen her once since Kaylie's passing, and did not attend the funeral/memorial/wake. And I feel guilty because I feel like Kaylie's passing is my friend's fault.

Let me back up, I do not think she's a bad mother, nor do I believe that she did anything malicious to harm her baby. I simply think she should have known better. She should have known better than to put an 8wk old baby to sleep on her stomach. She should have known better than to put a pillow in the baby's bassinet. It's an incredibly sad state of events, and I am so sorry it happened at all, and I am feeling incredibly guilty about my opinions/beliefs about the whole situation.

I feel like I cannot call my friend and talk to her without having awkward silences when she brings up anything to do with the baby's death. I don't want to tell her, and I don't think I SHOULD tell her my thoughts/opinions. What I really want is for that thought/opinion to go away. I want to convey that it's not her fault - but I can't bring myself to do it. All I can do is love her anyway at this point.

"Some moments last a lifetime, but sometimes moments are a lifetime."

Thanksgiving - PLEASE DO OVER!

For some reason I always have these really good clips where I write semi regularly, then I fall off the wagon...oh well. I am back. And I want a Thanksgiving do over!
So a week from this past Sunday we had our thanksgiving dinner with my family at my parents house. Turkey, dressing, the trimmings and of course I made a chocolate pecan pie, because I had to contribute something!

It was fun :). Then we went to our community group at church and had another dinner (not Thanksgiving menu) and I brought this veggie dish that I didn't take a picture of, but promise to next time. It was good, and went well with pasta.
THEN on Wednesday we left for Oklahoma to go see Tim's parents. I was excited about helping to make Thanksgiving dinner and hanging out with the in-laws and going shopping on black friday and having our mini Christmas celebration with them too! But I wasn't feeling so hot. My neck was hurting and I was tired, and hadn't really had any kind of appetite all day. I brushed it off. We got there late Wednesday evening and all pretty much just went to bed.
On Thursday we woke up and I felt worse. I was dizzy and tired and nauseous and my neck still hurt. I was not in the mood to cook anything, and really couldn't stand up at all. I sat at the kitchen table and made a chocolate pecan pie, and a fruit salad, and a brownie pie, but then I basically sat out for the rest of the time. I was lame. I was breaking out in cold sweats after dizzy spells and didn't eat at all any of the fruits of my mother in laws efforts.
On Thursday evening is when the culmination came and I decided I was sick. I was sitting on the toilet (maybe tmi, but whatever) and my in laws have one of those old houses where you can see yourself in the mirror while you're peeing or whatever and I was looking at myself in the mirror. I got really dizzy and I watched my face drain of all color. Then I sweated all over the place and got flushed. It was odd...and all I could do to pull my pants up and go lay in bed, which is exactly what I did.
Needless to say I did not go shopping on black Friday. I also didn't go to the doctor, cause I'm a moron maybe, but I didn't until Friday between about 3 and 4 when Dylan was down for a nap, I said "I think I need to go to the doctor" There was some debate, and they finally convinced me the ER was the only place to go at this time in this area, so we went. I could barely make it there.
When we got there and I signed my name and answered the lady's questions, all the while thinking, "This is nuts! You should ask ppl who AREN'T sick to do this..I didn't come to the ER to have an oral test!". Then I waited (not very long as this is not a big hospital). And got called back. They let me sit on a bed...YAY! (I laid on it). They took my blood pressure...it was 79/49....my first thought was of humor for two reasons. 1. because I normally have high blood pressure, and for those of you not in the know 120/60 is about normal and 2. because they had this big debate the night before because my mother in law swore she could tell my blood pressure by my pulse and she guessed it was like 140 over something...we later steered her in the right direction and told her you can't tell blood pressure that way, but still funny right? Cause she was a little off...HOWEVER, my pulse was high (126). Ok, then they made me pee in a cup, and I was disgusted and scared by what I produced into that cup. It was just scary....I don't want to go into any more detail about it than that. Ok then, the doctor came in and said...'You're blood pressure is really low, and you're pulse is kinda high' and I am apparently very sarcastic when I am not feeling well, maybe always, cause my thought was 'I came all the way here for that? I could have done that!'. Then he left and did whatever he does, and then popped back in and said your urine is terribly infected (which I could tell by the scariness) and you are dehydrated and we are worried that you have lost some kidney function. We are going to start you on an IV antibiotic and some liquids and flush them out and you're going to have to stay overnight. GREAT. Overnight in the smallest hospital I've ever seen 8 hours away from my house. :(
Tim was great though, he stayed the first night with me and most of the next day, he brought Dylan up to see me and helped me pee. :) I was feeling much better and I thought I was going to get to leave Saturday, but that didn't happen...but thankfully I got to leave Sunday afternoon and eat REAL food! yay! That was my Thanksgiving adventure...so I'd like a redo! I missed all the pie and food!! Oh well, probably for the best anyhow. I just wish I could have spent more time enjoying my company rather than being an invalid!

Truths

You know, so many things around me lately have been changing. My life has been a rough ride for about 3 weeks. I have found out a lot of things, about myself and a few things I guess I just didn't want to face about others.
It is rough for me, and I guess everyone, to figure out who their true friends are, who will truly be there when times get tough. And as I found out yesterday the number of people I thought I could count on has decreased by 2. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I know I shouldn't blame them for not being able to be supportive, but I am mad. I was there for these two individuals when no one else wanted to be at different times in their lives. And the one time I need support and someone to lean on all they want to do is act as though I am only trying to outshine them when they feel like all attention should be on themselves.
I am not asking for attention, just support, I don't want to outshine them or take away from what they are doing, but apparently they think everyone in this world is as equally self involved as they are. i didn't mean to start this and rant, but I am truly upset. I invest a lot in people I care about, and I feel like all I did was waste my time on people who don't hold me in any higher esteem than someone they are in constant competition with. I am tired of that. I am not competing...I am trying to live.. when will they see that the only people they have ever been competing against is themselves?